New photos uploaded

I posted new photos of my artwork on my shutterfly and on my artwork blog.

so check it all out on my shutterfly

or just check out the blog for the sculptures i am working on.

will give a better post eventually.

love you all.

finding happy things

i have fallen from a cloud, to the ground -hard- below.

finding the happy things i used to know is the only way to go on now,

so here you go, whoever you are, whoever you aren't:

i like to look at photos of my mother.

i prefer small groups over large ones.

i enjoy the sound of the water in the toilet tank rushing back after a flush.

i like the smell of my saliva in the morning.

i like the smell of my armpits, they are not offensive and smell eerily like the breeze directly over the grass.

i like being held by arms larger than my own.

i take pleasure in the smell of burning paper.

i want love the feeling of mud beneath my shoes, the uncertainty of the stability of the ground.

i like to remember white beds and white robes.

i like the feeling of crying when you've been holding it all in too long.

i like the way it feels to have steam burn your face.

i like swallowing large amounts of liquid just to see how much i can really swallow at once.

i like to imagine that you and i are looking at the moon at the same time.

i like to imagine that my mom and jeff are just an hour away and that i can have a hug whenever i need it.

i like to talk to my sister on skype.

i like the feeling of clay between my fingers,

i also like the way it feels to have clay dry under my nails.

i want to draw like Samantha, not like myself.

i want to be sure of myself.

i want to know what it is that i have been trying to think all along.

i want to know if i know anything at all.

i want to mean it when i smile, i want something real to smile about.

i want to not feel lost anymore.

i want something worthwhile and wonderful, hell mundane would do really.

i want to listen to a song and think of something other than your hair between my fingers.

i want to stop rereading the words i wrote and thinking that i have lost something i cannot ever get back- you cannot get back things that do not exist anymore.

i like the sensation of a hot tear rolling slowly and then more rapidly of the fatty flesh of my cheeks.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Okay so i am not going to rant or rave yet about Prop 8, pepperdine, the election, italian men and women, my classes at the accademia or the CSU study center. I AM going to say WTF! HOW CAN I MISS THIS!




in case you dont know what this is, it is YO GABBA GABBA! a kids show created by a member of the Aquabats! i highly suggest youtube-ing it!

wasting paper, wasting time: meaningless lines

30 October 2008

if i told you i loved you,
would it matter?
if i told you i missed you,
would you care?
if i left for another,
would it sting you?

lost in raindrops,
windblown and cold:
this hole deepens.
spending each day
sitting- on steps
you stood before,
watching waves crash-
on rocks anchored
to the ground;
captive to the moment.

you are not the right one for me-
and it turns my stomach.


31 October 2008

lips move,
muttering meaningless sounds
that fall short
on ears
anxious to
be given something solid,
a anchor is nothing
without a ship for a line.

words on white pages: i used to write like Charles Bukowski

EARLY AUGUST 2008
when
you kiss me
i can feel it
seeping into my skin.
with
closed eyes
i can see it
on your face.

one more time
and i promise
not to ever, let the
feeling flee from
its memory-captive
in my mind.

September 7 2008
Bury me in thoughts of hometowns i've never
really known.
Busy me with thoughts of secure places to grow.

Fragmented Thoughts of September 24 2008

-ice cold, the haze passes the path i walk
-a look from a child in their school apron
-the son of the store owner sends a smirk my direction through the smoke of a cigarette
-the man who delivers wooden palettes has a hammer in his hand today
-steps move slow, although hurried, on this uneven stone
-the sensation of walking to your judgements in the center wears on me
-fingers fumbling in pressing, push push push, up up up
-out of breath and weary, a nights rest and you've lost it all.

September 25 2008

i am a continent
there is a river
running from my north
it brings echoes
through darkened pools
whispering stories of another time,
another land.

October 13 2008
swallowing often-
trying to fill the gap,
between times
i do not know.

left hanging out
in midday sun-
eventually sure to dry.
the pupils of your eyes
are the crows that tap
interruptingly on
the windows sill-
perched and begging me
to look-
their dark stares taunting.

i fear not-
avoiding the eyes of others
(fearing only my own reflection)
in the darkness of concrete pools.

Ocotober 19 2008

light as a feather, heavy as a brick;
falling quickly
into opened hands
of strangers on the street.
swimming in sewers filled
with sand, dismal abrasions
scoring the surface of skin
dusty and lonely in the evening light.


October 22 2008
just
tell me your name, show me where you come from.
take off your shirt and love me,
pressing out lips together we can force a smile,
ignore the knot in your mind,
limbs flailing in your thoughts
remind me of fingers on dusty ground,
something is missing,
something.

if i told you i loved you would it matter




















please eyes stop watering i cannot seem to see.

self portraits

i have been very interested in self portraits lately,
all the different types.
i think that you can portray yourself however you want in a self portrait, be who you want to be...but the real you always shows in the eyes.its odd and scary and interesting. taking a photo of yourself, drawing yourself is like allowing yourself to know who it is that you are and who it is that you want to be...

i also am avoiding real thoughts.

ps:

i've been looking back at time

reading all the words i wrote before, andi stumbled across my new years resolution:

"finally making a resolution. usually i just make jokes of these...this year i have some bad habits i'd like to kick.

i will no longer do every favor people ask me to do for fear that they will find i've nothing to offer them if i say no.
i will be stronger and resist temptation to go the easy route in my personal life
i will express myself without fear of alienation
i will take pleasure in solitude, find comfort in the slow rhythm of my own breathing.
i will laugh louder, smile bigger, and love platonically more and romantically less-not that this was a particular problem of mine."


i have done okay with following through on these i think, some things not so much as others.

i have been strong, and forced myself to go the hard route.
and for a long time i was laughing, i was smiling, and i was in love.
i am still a little afraid to express myself, even though i do so anyways.
i still do almost everything that is asked of me... but i have said no a few times to things i REALLY didnt want to do.
i am still uncomfortable alone, really alone...when i hear myself breath i still wonder whose lungs are pumping that air, what is that i am hearing, and it still scares me to know i am so alone that i can hear my own chest.

























there is a pit in my stomach,
and a knot in my chest.
i have a good idea of bad things to come.
and i dont like the thought of being alive right now.

i've got myself a one track mind
several bottles of assorted hard alcohol
and a line of clubs to choose from


lets get this evening started and dance on!

open up your eyes
see how lifetime flies
open up and let the light back in

open up your heart
let the loving start
open up and let the light back in

i was thinking of you and me
making love beneath the trees
and now i wonder could it be
thinking about the times we had
some were good and some were bad
guitar fighting the tv

i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking of you and me
i was thinking bout you and me

looking at you just the other night
dancing in the evening light
true love conquers all

old man sitting there
touch of gray but he dont care
when he hears his children call

i was think bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me

open up your eyes
see your lifetime flies
open up and let the light back in

i love this part of this movie. and i love this song

stranieri

i cried for like an hour yesterday pouring over things in my head.
14. i used to like the 14th, it was in the middle of the month, but it wasnt the 15th... it was even and divisible by 7, and by 2... and i liked that about it. i have probably the best photo ever up on my screen still, and i wont lie it isnt the quality it isnt even the size...its the content, across the oceans.

today i have to give my speech, in like an hour... and i dont really know what i am going to say at all. i decided to talk about cooking and how i have loved cooking since i was child... ahha we have to use passato prossimo and imperfetto in our speech, we arent allowed notes and we cant show pictures. this is going to be a miserable 10 minutes. because i dont really know how much i can talk about cooking in italian. i guess i can talk about how much i hated last semester not being able to cook because i lived in a dormitory.

oh well.

i am out of money for the month pretty much because i bought the bike... which now has air in the tires and appears to be keeping it, and my stomach hurts. and i am avoiding thinking about my presentation. maybe i wont have to go until tomorrow. that would be nice.. except i always go first because he loves me sooooooo much.

things i cant stop watching in italy

the past few days have been weird.
i feel happy but i also feel like i am at a loss.

-upon closer inspection the sweater was indeed orange and not red as i originally assumed.
-i am becoming something i feared.
-i should not be given more than...2 beers on any evening out...even an evening of celebration...even if i dont buy them.
-and if i am given more than 2 friends i certainly should not be allowed to dance with strangers... particularly italian strangers who are "trying to learn english"


these are rules that are going to be enforced the remainder of the week and the remainder of this trip. YUP



in other light i think am going to produce some truly unique and meaningful work while i am here, i am going to do a conceptual piece using yarn about the depth of loss and how people deal with loss differently. and i am also going to do a few figurative pieces on a theme that i am not too sure of, but i am going to use my drawings for inspiration. these two projects might just become one large body of work.

Tomorrow i have to give a presentation in class on something... i think that i will talk about egon schiele. maybe maybe maybe.

oh god i tried to explain mickey avalon in italian to Paolo yesterday and he was just completely confused and when we were walking to his car he told me that he thought i might be crazy. i dont know though. crazy does not seem too bad to me, i think he is just a little boring... could be the language barrier. oh well.

time for class... i got an A on my last test!!!!

things are always better when they are set to anime cartoons

take a deep breath

i couldnt stop smiling today.

i felt beautiful and strong. i felt good. i felt the heads turning when i walked past and they werent looking at me they werent gawking at me, i had just been so happy that they were staring, thinking, 'what could she be so happy about on a cold day like this?'

i dont know, yesterday i felt a change within myself, it had been coming for a few days but yesterday i felt it. as though something had grown to size within myself. perhaps it is a sense of acceptance with myself; my situation. perhaps it is a sense of freedom now. i am free from my own guilt, free from the pressures of loving somebody else.
when i said i dont think of you that way anymore, i meant that you had forced me to take that part of my feelings for you and put them in a tiny little drawer in the side of my mind...i figure it is directly above the bone behind my left ear, because this was my favorite spot to be kissed and this would only make sense. who knows what the future holds for me, perhaps this will be my year alone... the first i have had in a long time. it has been almost a year since my last opportunity at independence from all others and i wont lie, i was not ready then to be alone. now though it doesnt feel like being alone is lonely, it feels like being alone is a new path that i need to follow-it is my destiny and yeah i believe in those things. and i love my best friends, i miei migliori amici.

love never dissipates if it is real, and if it is real it can wait, in the corners of our minds our under our beds or in cabinets in hat boxes, no matter where it is it can wait however long it takes for the time to be right... even if we dont know that love is waiting for us. someday we will find it... in a familiar hug...a face on a computer screen 6,000 miles away...a stranger on the street. that is love. we all deserve it, and hopefully it will find us all eventually... wherever it lies in waiting.

CELL PHONE

alright so i found out that what i had been told by ATT about using my cellphone abroad was incorrect. i do get charged for all incoming calls as well as outgoing. i also am charged for roaming, which my phone is considered while i am here in Italy. however i do get text messages for free but it costs me 50 cents to send one.

SOOOOOOO for those of you that just love me so much that you want to let me know that you care at times or need to reach...here are some instructions on contacting me on my Italian cell:

FROM US: dial: 011 + 39(italy's country code) + 32(my area code in italy) + 02148705(my italian phone number). so total you would dial:011393202148705

i can receive free incoming calls but outgoing are outrageous here, i can also receive text messages for free but have yet to figure out how to text a US phone successfully, and texting is cheaper here in italy although still pretty ridiculous... all the phones are like "go-phones" where you preload money onto them for use.

CIAO!

...sono perso anche...

i miss the mundane sensation of comfort.






i made a playlist of the songs that wont leave my head. i dont have them all on my computer but here is what i have.


1. talking heads: this must be the place
1.5. jose gonzales: heartbeats
2. the teenagers: french kiss
3. the teenagers: homecoming
4. bjork: i miss you(sunshine mix)
5. chromeo: mommas boy
6. m83: lower your eyelids to die with me
7. nada surf: fruit fly
8. sigur ros: saeglopur
9. andrew bird: skin is, my
10. jim sturgess: all my loving
11. red house painters: have you forgotten
12. new order: love vigilantes
13. cut copy: autobahn music box
14. the the: this is the day
15. air: venus
16. her space holiday: the ringing in my ears
17. built to spill: car
18. nick drake: one of these things first
19. radiohead: thinking about you
20. radiohead: house of cards
21. peter bjorn and john: amsterdam
22. neil young: you and me
23. mint royale: princess
24. editors: munich
25. edotirs: bullets


sometimes i dont know what to think, i dont know what to say:so i go numb, blank, i turn myself into this empty void to hide all the pain.

i just keep telling myself i will be okay, i just keep telling myself that it will be okay, that God will have the right thing happen for me for once it will work out...


my uncle died on monday night from complications in the emergency room that lead to a heart attack, they said he was very very sick. On thursday of next week they are having his funeral back home and this friday they are spreading his ashes in maui with the job corp people that loved him.
they always say that loss comes in threes, and now i know it does.
in about a week i have lost: my pet rex, my best friend and lover danny, and now my moms oldest brother-my grandma's first child- my uncle chuck.

loss is a strange thing, there is a sense of loss not quite feeling like reality- like not matter how many times you are told you've lost somebody you still feel as though they are there until it hits you at one moment...usually at a much later time...and you are overcome by a feeling of such deep emptiness that you wonder if you've lost the bottom to your soul.

i've never been one with words so to speak, but i miss things about the life i left behind so much right now that i am forcing myself to continue to live the one i have taken on when i embarked on this adventure.


today is my dads birthday and i miss him. i miss planning something awesome for this day and seeing him, spending dinner with him maybe, maybe going to sushi and getting ice cream like we always do. i just am sad that i cant be with him on this day...but i guess i am going to miss a lot of birthdays back home and i should get used to this feeling.


PS:i am sick. but so far my exams are going well.i think...

thoughts that wake you in the night

you make me feel so good(i love you so much) i cannot bear it when you are gone(i miss you too much: your touch, your mind, your voice).

i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead.

i wish my outsides matched my insides.
i cannot focus. and i have my exams this week. i dont know how i will even get out of bed to do this.
everywhere i go all i see is you. i cannot even listen to music all it does is remind me of you, every song...even songs you've never heard.
i have been crying so much i had to take my nose ring out and now it has healed.


(last night i had a dream that seemed so real that i thought i could touch it. we were on a bus, an ipod headphone in each ear listening to every song we've ever loved. you had your hand on my knee and then you kissed my nose and said you missed me. when i woke up this morning there was blood on my pillow, i had gotten a bloody nose in the night.)

when things arent easy i promised myself i would go on, how else could i ever know what i was capable of... but right now i feel like digging a hole and laying in it. some wet soil and worms as my friends. because

everytime i close my eyes i see you, and i open them.
everytime i take a breathe i can feel the emptiness inside myself, so i've been holding my breath.
everytime i take a drink i wonder why i am not numb yet, so i take another.
everytime i dance i wonder where my rhythm went, so i dance faster.
everytime i draw i wonder where these shaky hands came from, and so i write.
everytime i shower i try and scrub this itch from my skin, but it is still there and it wont leave me alone.
everytime i check my email, afraid of what i wont find.

i am afraid that when i go see the Gregorian Chanters at Santa Croce in a few minutes i will break down because all i will think about is how you would have loved it.


i hate being alive. i hate being here. i hate everything.

who thought up the word fair, the concept behind it. nothing is ever fair. people arent fair. people are greedy and selfish. they want it all for themselves and dont know how to give. people are spineless and afraid, i wish i wasnt a person. i wish i was water.






































underwater.underground. under__________.

i didnt go to class today.
i feel like my insides are shaking all the time.
i am trying to be strong. i am trying to seem strong. i am trying to do the right thing.


all i can do is try,
i hope you are at the ocean. i hope the waves are crashing on you and that you feel good. i hope that you are happy.

i wish you would talk to me. i know it hurts, but you cannot imagine the pain you are causing me by ignoring me like you said you wouldnt, like you promised you wouldnt.

the end

to miss:to regret the absence or loss of.

what makes us miss somebody?
can we miss a person that means nothing to us?
does the more a person means to us increase the amount that we miss them?


am i worth it?
were you worth it?

loss:the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had; failure to make good use of something; failure to preserve or maintain.

how come i am never worth it. i am always missed a little too late. i hope i find somebody who thinks i am worth something-something they are willing to fight for, willing to wait for, willing to miss. i hope that i find somebody who isnt always a little too late in missing me, in realizing my worth. i hope that God stops testing my "strength" soon, cause i don't feel very strong.

dear daniel.

i miss your laughter. i miss the tiny hairs on your nose and tear ducts. i miss the stubble on your chin. i miss the smell of your skin. i miss the curve of your palms around mine. i miss the depths of your eyes. i miss the whistling from the bathroom. i miss visiting you at school. i miss riding bikes with you. i miss matching. i miss the smell of your breath in the morning. i miss your face when you want a kiss. i miss kissing you. i miss touching your face, your lips. i miss the fuzz on your earlobes. i miss driving places with you. i miss going to the beach with you. i miss waking up and seeing you next to me. i miss washing your back. i miss running my fingers through your hair. i miss laying on my bed for hours doing nothing. i miss dancing with you. i miss doing our homework together. i miss the sound of your voice. i miss feeding you. i miss forgetting to eat because we re having too much fun. i miss touching you. i miss being touched by you. i miss falling asleep during movies with you. i miss losing myself in the sound of your voice. i miss time alone with you. i miss your socks in my hamper. i miss wearing your dirty shirts. i miss taking the train. i miss mmissing the train/station because we are preoccupied with eachother. i miss conversations with you. i miss taking your picutre. i miss piggy back rides. i miss sour candy. i miss the smile you get when you tell me you love me. i miss the way you hugged me. i miss how romantic you are. i miss your ambition. i miss the way you make everything okay with a smile. i miss comparing our feet. i miss pushing you around. i miss falling asleep our bodies tangled arms and legs. i miss the skin on your hips. i miss playing with your body hair. i miss putting my head in your armpit. i miss kissing you behind the ears. i miss sitting on you. i miss tickling you. i miss hearing about your classes. i miss seeing you ever. i miss you.

i miss you.


so much, i wish i was home.
iwishiwashomeieishiwashomeiwishiwashome.

Have i ever expressed the way that you make me smile, how it feels when i cant hold it inside of myself?
it feels like crying, that burning sensation behind your eyes except that it is in my cheeks and chest. my hands clench and my ears ring.


Have i ever expressed the way i feel when i think about leaving, how it feels to be full of all the tension that the world has to offer my tiny shell? it feels like a balloon in my chest and a snake in my stomach, swimming acidic laps, my mind is pulsating with the blood that my heart keeps moving in that direction. the fear is like a runny nose, or the tickle before a sneeze- a constant tiny aggravation to the membranes of my being.



Have i ever stopped talking and listened.

dear perfection

thinking about sitting at a truck stop sounds wonderful to me, and god speed will always remind me of this time as well. it was real and it was wonderful.perfect.

as we drove away i pulled out my notebook and scribbled down my thoughts.
i reread them yesterday, and i thought to myself how it was odd that i fell for you so fast. that i trusted you so soon after feeling like i could never trust again.
you mean so much to me. i am lucky to have a spirit like yours in my life. you ground me, make me want to be a better person so that i can feel like i deserve the love and kindness that you show me whether i am in your presence or not.

there are no flaws too deep to be covered by the cloak of perfection.

athousandlittlethingsiwanttosaybutdont

there are so many times that i am sitting on the toilet or in the tub or in traffic that i have the most genius ideas.
things i want to do before i leave:

to spend time with my mom
to cook dinner for everyone i love
to laugh with my friends that i have not seen all summer
to go to the beach and feel the power of the water as the waves crash down on me and pull me away with them
to see princess
to be at my sisters and learn to play a new video game
to watch movies and stay in bed all day
to take many many baths in my mothers tub
to ride me bike without being sick
to visit a tidepool and see all the little animals
to learn how to actually use my new complicated camera
to go shopping for cheap light clothes

so many more things, i just cant think of it now

22 days

only 22 days left and i am so damn sick.

i set up skype on my moms computer and i need to go pick up my computer today before getting ANNAAAAAAA...

i probably shouldnt be around that little cutie, but i need the cash. so i will get her today, go to jessicas going away dinner, work tomorrow from 8-2, get anna, and then get my crown on thursday morning, get fitted for contacts, and then watch anna and maddie thursday night, work friday afternoon, spend saturday with momma work that night, work sunday afternoon and then dinner with dad, work monday night and then go camping if i am not still too sick.

i am totally overdoing it. i wish i wasnt home alone and sick, i hate having to take care of myself when i feel like this...i think that is why i got so sick during the semester. oh well.

time is closing in on me.
i do not have too much left to do but pack and get a few last minute details ironed out, but i am still a total mess.
i am totally freaking out, i only have 23 days left in the United States for the next year.
i havent stopped eating since i started feeling this way, a failed attempt to ease my anxious stomach.
oh and i am sick, yay.
i love sore throats and runny noses and headaches.

thoughts and figures

i was sitting there,
twisting your hair around my finger,
and i knew i was going to miss that moment in time, that sensation would be foreign in 25 days.

i could lay in bed all day doing nothing but listening to the sound of your breathing and the rhythm of your voice as it rose and fell deliberatly with every word that your lips parted to tell everyday.




i miss my friends, i miss my school.
this year will be half torture and half a gift.

i am not the type of person who just takes off into the oblivion of the world and hopes it all goes swimmingly. what am i doing?

there was a time

what are the times that we will remember, which of the past moments will infiltrate my idle mind while walking down a street, eating a piece of bread, chewing hotly on a cube of ice.

there was a scene last night that made me wonder, when i am much much older and talking to my children or grandchildren...whose love will i reflect upon. will it be a love that i will have lost, one that i know now, or that i have known. it really will be interesting to see whose face comes to mind at that point in time. it is odd to think that i am currently tied up in it all still, my life is still so new to me that i do not know where i am headed yet, i have nothing to reflect purposefully on. i havent lived, i am just starting the process of living.

it feels good to be alive today.

what a wonderful thought, simple and wonderful.

personal statements

dear daniel de la rosa,

i am madly in love with you, and could not possibly imagine being any happier in anothers arms.

sincerely,

gabrielle roth

FOUR

yeah can you count to four? a baby can count to four.

things i want to do when i see you on saturday morning:

-hug you

-kiss you

-hide in a dark corner with you

-laugh with you

-smell you

-prance around in our skivies like children

-watch diving bell with you

-kiss you

-take a nap with you

-go to the beach with you

-cook for you/with you

-eat with you

-look at you for hours and touch you to make sure you are real

-smell your skin

-run my fingers through your hair

-go on a piggy back ride

-anything else involves you, i want to do that.

family

lately one of the biggest parts of my life is my family.

but what makes family, what does it mean to be family?

my sister said, 'just because they are blood, doesn't mean they are family'

she hit it right on the head, they aren't family because they are blood.

watching my moms family tear apart is making me sick. i don't want to be at home anymore because everytime i walk in the door i chance seeing my mom more hurt.

i don't understand how her brothers and sisters can be so blind, i said to my mom this evening, 'how can adults be so stupid.' and i meant it. As a little kid i remember idolizing these people, who i am now embarrassed to be related to. 

as a child my mom was abused, and now her brothers and sisters still hold it against her... as though she had  a choice when it happened to her. maybe we understand, my sister and i, because we know what it is like not to have a choice...and because we know that if you love somebody you trust them and care enough for them to believe that the hard ships that life has put them through were not their choice. 

maybe my sister and i, as much as we fight, know how to love unconditionally...a quality that has long since vanished from the hearts of my aunts and uncles. 

it is a sad day when a hero falls.

i miss you. only a few more days.  :)

i was eating my hummus cracker just now and thinking how much more i like working on my bike with you. even if you dont know how to do what i just did to it. haha. it would just be nice with you here. want to change my tires? huhuh? hahaha. just kidding i want to. haha

okay. so i think that i like the bike shop in long beach better then either shop here in np. the are dicks here and not very helpful at all. since i dont ride a 89 speed 6,000 trek carbon frame road bike....

i cannot wait to see you.

i cannot wait to hold you.

i cannot wait to kiss you.

i cannot wait to hear your voice.

i cannot wait to smell your skin.

i cannot wait 6 more days.

it was an effort, so small,  but it was worth it.

and now we have this little precious time before it all starts again, my fault.

i cannot wait to love you more tomorrow.

i want this 

a little thanks

thank you VH1 for rotting my mind.

thank you Trader Joes for making freeze dried fruit that tickles my fancy.

thank you Danny De La Rosa for making my day.

thank you Norway for the shirt i am wearing.

thank you global warming for the heat that is outside.

thank you Trident Gum for making a berry-mint yummy flavor.

things to love, the correct way to write list

these are a few things that lately i just love:

a catchy tune

whistling

dancing with strangers

dancing with friends

dancing alone

braids in hair

butterflies

sandcastles

xylophones

sleeping in the car

flocks of birds

sand under my fingernails

blanket warm out of the dryer

getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist

a goodbye hug

a good nap

a friendly insect landing on me

fresh fruit in the warm sun

fresh figs.finally fig season...

silence

frog hunts

long walks

talking to strangers

incense from the fair

trident gum

being silly

nail polish

swimming pools

climbing rocks

driving slowly through the canyons

applying spray sunscreen

taking pictures of friends

popsicles

mojitos

bracelets

stellas

fireworks

cooking for friends

not being sick anymore

putting things on my bike/fixing it up

new sunglasses

skype(this is also something i HATE right now)

silly inventions

best of friends

other peoples dogs

lawn furniture

taxidermy 

high heels

looking nice

family

guacamole

tuna sandwichs 

tea

DLR

eggs and things

cleaning up

ignoring problems

second chances, giving and receiving

the delete button

andrew bird

emotions

professing my love for you to inanimate objects

professing my love for you to animate objects

professing my love for you 

feeling okay without you.

little mermaid/radiohead's nude

Radiohead's Nude live in amsterdam

The Little Mermaid, Poor Unfortunate Souls...in Italian HA

there is a cantaloupe in the outside fridge, i put it there.

i fell asleep late, i woke up early.

i can't take one more night of this. naps in the afternoon. i don't want to eat anything much right now. it's hard to be honest about these things, but i think i am done. i can't handle it anymore.

i am lonely, sad, and tired. but mostly i am lonely.

no amount of jelly shoes will make me less lonely.

i shaved my legs yesterday and i told myself it was for me, but truth is i was dying for someone-anyone-to touch them, because they're lonely too. 

if gas wasnt so damn expensive i would go for a long drive.

jelliess

so my mom and i went shopping for a dress for davids wedding at  the outlet mall. we went to the BCBG outlet, and i dont think that i have ever worn a nicer piece of clothing that was something i was allowed to keep. everything was also so cheap, for designer at least.

i couldnt find a picture of the dress online, but it is like a grown-up version of the yellow dress i wore to my parents wedding. i love it, i feel like me in it...which is nice since i have been feeling so out of sorts as of late. 

i did however find a photo of the jelly shoes that i have now added to my jelly shoe collection...and they were only $14, which is less than i a paid for m red ones, which arent as nice or as awesome. please comment and tell me how awesome they are. also awesome is that my feet are now even smaller...down to a womens five...and that is a little big even but i refuse to go down another size... i thought your feet were supposed to get bigger as you got older, not smaller.

snake charming

i have so much time, but no time to do the things i want.

i had told myself that i was going to spend my time at the beach and creating things. instead i have spent m time writing in a tiny notebook, or staring at blank pages and pretending there was something worth viewing or writing inside of me.  

i have been spending as much time with my grandma as i can, and the drive has become long and irritating. i hate driving. i hate driving to watch somebody i love die. i hate that i hate driving to watch her die. 

i once tried to imagine life if she was dead, or how it would feel when she was dying... and i couldnt.i had been through the other deaths, but  i was not as close to them as i am to her...she was the one to watch me grow, she was the one whose diaper i changed and whose lipstick i fished out of the toilet laughing the whole time. she IS the one i love the most, and it hurts to let her go. I laid with her in the hospital bed they brought her, and i listened to her heart beating and i couldnt imagine that it would ever stop. i think that once she is gone her heart will keep beating, batteries propelling the thumping sound inside her chest. an ivory casket with pink velvet, she will look beautiful, but i think the inside should be blue...that was her favorite color. i cant wait to hold her hand tomorrow and tell her how much i love her again. every time it is new to her, so every time it is the truth.

next week i will work on something for me, i will start this next project. i will do it. i have to.

i feel like with you time is not an issue. we countdown days but in the end we know it doesn't matter. every time we talk its like we are touching, our smiling lips are kissing and our arms that pull our bodies close are there, warm and forgiving of the time that's passed. time has left our souls untouched and true, only the time of the sun has changed our skin and the pictures that our eyes have seen have simply brought more color to them. so now when  i gaze into the dark pools-flesh before me- i know what is in my future. you hold my answers somewhere inside you there. when you look at me i can feel you hold me, and i can feel you here.

i am a broken record

playing the same lines

again and again

saying the same lines

to you as i said to him

i love you

i love you until tomorrow,

until tomorrow,

but only you have questioned

the duration of a day.

time was something 

he never understood,

he'd never understood

what it meant to feel this...

letting time just melt away.

a lot of rhyming but give me a break i am all drugged up and tired from surgery!

Last night at the party i slyly changed the pandora to play talking heads radio station. the first song that came up was your favorite. i looked at tara and she was smiling at me  and i was smiling too, so big my cheeks hurt. it was like you were there...even though you were asleep.

i love you. 

yesterday,today,tonight, and until everyday's  tomorrow.

old lady. i love you so much, it's hard to watch you go

take a deep breath, you'll be fine doing this on your own.

summer days are stretching out so long, i wont last like this. 

4 hours of sleep a night, and barely any fun to speak of.

i spent a day with people, but i still felt alone.

i climbed rocks and imagined my fingers on the horizon, i imagined my hands in the dirt on the other side of the window. i imagined that you were there and i was happy in the sand.

the chlorine burned my eyes

this pressure keeps building up

my fingers fly in meaningless motion

and my mind goes flat

when i speak my voice

is weak and cracks

my breath is short and 

my beats are quick and close

quick and close

quick and close

i just remembered that the other side of the ocean is really far away.

photos from tuesday at my aunt terri's house PS i love film<3 thank you danny for showing me how to use that camera!

i am watching reruns of old cartoons right now. i haven't watched a cartoon in so long. it feels good. i think that i will go to the beach today OR work on m bike in the backyard clad in a swim suit. I think that is a good idea.

yesterday was aly's birthday. we had a pretty good day, but i realized how much  i hate driving...sometimes i don't mind it but i think that deep down i really hate driving. We went to the DMV to renew her license and then to Venice. We got sunglasses at a store (aly's are fuchsia heart shaped ones, and mine are light pink ray ban style). Then we got aly's nose pierced, she was almost more scared than i had been...it didn't help that we watched this other girl get it done and she bled like nuts because she had had a few drinks. Then we got henna. hahaha. aly got a banner with JONES written in it across her chest with little roses, and i got an anchor on my finger. The weirdest thing ever, we ran into molly, audrey, and mike there! As we arrived they were leaving though so we didn't really get to hang out. After Venice we went to Cho Cho San, it took alnost 2 hours to get there but it was fun and pretty good... i was so tired when we got back that i wanted to go to sleep but i had an awful stomach ache and the itch to talk to danny, so i stayed up a little later than my body wanted. and i didn't really get to talk to danny.

in a little while i will start the day, going to be a long day.

a day for a while

i am sitting here watching flight with my sister, and life feels good-things are okay.  Tomorrow is aly's birthday, man i  dont remember so man of her birthdays...what have i missed? i don't know, but i am currently happy. in this moment i feel good. 

I cannot express how much i miss you. i miss your voice when you talk about something anything everything. I wish that your dream was true, go take flying lessons, see you in the morning - smiley face here-

ps.. everyone would be jealous of the schedule i put together for my desserts from around the world class...they are going to be so so so so good... chocolate banana empanadas, cannoli, puerto rican mango pudding, fruit tarts, kugle, and a do it yourself bread pudding. going to be awesome!

yay

guilty pleasures

everyone has them, these are mine:

justin timberlake music

law & order

farting in public

peeling things

smelling my feet

putting things up my nose

chick-flicks

eavesdropping

looking through peoples things (esp. purses or backpacks, glove boxes)

laying in bed all day doing nothing

using the restroom with the door open

smelling sharpies

wiping things on my pants

playing tricks on DLR

burping loudly

listening to KIIS FM late at night while driving

stealing little things

people watching

making lists

writing one-liners

EDIT: 6-21-08

opening cans of pop and not taking one sip

writing letters that will never be sent

making plans i do not intend to keep

little white lies about little white things

eating at midnight

sitting in my closet with the doors closed

drawing on the undersides of tables

taking pills, namely chewable things

brushing my teeth too long

biting people

dancing alone, sometimes to only the music in my head

everything feels bad.

i just went on a date with my mom, we had a nice time.

we saw sex and the city, it was pretty good.

at the end of the movie, i thought to myself wow those are some beautiful women. i hope that when i am older i am beautiful like that.

when we got home i showed her all of the pictures from your trip. she talked about how pretty the girls are. she is right they are pretty- pretty like the women in the movie.

i know you think i am pretty too, but i am pretty like girls are pretty once you get to know them, not picture pretty. not the kind of pretty that other women wish they were, not movie pretty

i've been looking at the moon, and suddenly across the ocean doesn't seem so far away.

sometimes you get lonely, and you eat and eat and eat trying to fill the void.

let me tell you, my ass is getting fat.

in a month i will be the michelin man. oh well, imagine in a year i will be like jabba.

no amount of time riding the bike is helping my fat ass, because it just makes me hungry!

things that make me smile

i just fell asleep after work pretending i was sleeping next to you, an i woke up to your favorite song playing on my computer. this made me smile, and i thought to myself, "what does make me smile?"

things that make me smile:

DLR

drawing

writing: journals poetry letters

riding a bicycle 

free things

getting messy

being with good friends like molly mark tako tara and scott

talking to my sister on the telephone

hugging my mom

going to the movies

shaving my legs, rare as it does occur i sort of like it

dancing

new clothes especially tee shirts, underwear, socks, and shoes

getting letters in the mail, not bills

driving with the windows down

laying in the sand and falling asleep

the ocean

laying in the grass

making things in general, learning to build new things, new concepts

babies

a good telephone conversation

mark danko in general

jello:blue

puppies and kittens oh my

God

99cent stores

a new toothbrush

getting a good deal

finding money in my pocket or purse that i didnt know was there

tricking people, mostly DLR

gerber daisies in BRIGHT colors

clean sheets

the smell of flowers in the wind

funny little things(ie:toys)

winning things

old people doing yoga or playing basketball

white nectarines

fresh figs

the smell of paint, especially white windsor newton gouache

DLR's  favorite song

calling you DLR, using abbreviations in general

laying down naked with the fan on after a shower

being home alone in the morning

sparkling lemonade

new shampoo or soap

being noticed/remembered

being trusted

honesty

guitar hero, played all wrong of course

watching mario cart tournaments at Velascos

giving advice to a friend in need

kissing DLR

imaginations 

left behind

there are no more feathers in my hair.

i wish i had a pack of sour patch kids.

sometimes i just get so down without your arms to pull me up. 

this is sinking in. i am really going. i am really doing this. i really really am.

i am really scared. really really scared.

what if i come home to nothing. what if something happens to you.  what if i miss my mom so much i cant stand it. what if somebody gets sick or hurt here. being abroad means i cannot come home to be with them. what if i hate it there. what if nobody likes me. what if i am not good enough to get into the accademia. what if i fail at this. what if this is a waste of time. what if you cant come visit. what if i get lonely at night.

every since i was little, i always worried about what if- or what with, what if my mom is not there to tell me what if everything is fine.

that concert was so good, it was the company that was strange.

man i just watched THE MOST depressing movie ever. An American Crime- it is based on a real story which made it even worse, about a woman who boards two young girls and ends up torturing one of them to death in her basement in the 1960's.

sometimes i think you are over there alone, and then i see the photos and realize this is just not the case...and then well then  i am a serious babyhead. i would rather be the girl in the photo wearing shorts cause it is actually hot...you pouring me wine. but i am not. and i wont ever be...cause well it just isnt going to happen cause i am not a millionaire. i am so glad you are having fun. i hope i get to talk to you tonight, i stayed up special so i could.

today was kind of a bad day. 

thank you so much for the playlist

i love you more with every song that hums into my ears.

thank you so so so so so so much.

smelling peaches

today i awoke to the sound of your voice, the best way to start the day. i then journeyed down the hill and ate an egg on toast with my mom and dad. he is in the state after the end of a relationship where you are fine, the state where loneliness has yet to swell your heart with the tears that your eyes have not yet shed.

when i returned home i tried to make space and also took apart the desk. this took hours but now there is plenty of space for the adventures that tomorrow will bring my way. the first day of summer, i plan to spend the majority of it with scott and sarah and am very excited.

tonight i went to my dad's to cheer him up. as i pulled up to his house i could smell the distinct scent of the strawberry fields in the night air. i was surprised because the day was cool and i wouldnt expect the fields to of been heated enough to cause the scent of the fruit to carry that way. i went to see a movie with my dad, we saw Before the Rains. it was truly beautiful though i felt the story moved so slowly and was a bit obvious. there were only a few other people in the theatre- one man by himself to our right, and two older couples who sat with their hands holding tightly across the arm rests. i could smell the woman in front of me's perfume- it smelled like jasmine and sand. i wish i could have taken the scent with me.

sorry i just dont like video games, since that is all that is important in order to be similar to you

so i woke up to your voice, it was a little startling, but was so nice in the end.

i told my mom about your trip about your bike ride today and how much better you feel. i told her about my box and how it made me feel so good. i told her about how excited i am for my turn over there. i also told her how scared i am.

i miss you alot but it is getting easier.

i am avoiding studying right now

i hate studying for italian. it feels pointless.

i am trying to wake you up... i have been for hours now

i want to call you. but i cant afford it.

because i think maybe this might wake you now, at the time when you have been getting up this week?

i am sitting in the library. i am making copies of fairytales for my box and i am sitting here doing nothing because i dont want to try and look up the like 6 terms i still need for my art history exam tomorrow because i am going to study all day until the exam at 2:45. i would rather be in my room doing my box, because it is coming along SO GOOD, today  i finished everything to the most ridiculous details on the layer with the geisha, octopus, pin cushion, chopsticks and mushrooms. it looks good. real good. the fabric did not take me as long as i thought and i feel a little dumb for dreading that pattern so much. then i started to paint the ocean. we will see how it looks when i get back to it...i might want to don a few more washes of watercolor...or put in some details with a blue pen maybe. i dont know.

today i woke up so early. but i have never been happier. i even took a test today and i am still happy.

god i love everything with you, even when you're not here i feel like you are. i imagined you behind me on the shuttle today as i stood holding tightly to the rail, my bookbag heavy and swaying slowly side to side. every time i lost my balance i pretended that it was you that place your hand to my hips and secured me to the shuttle floor again. dont worry the stranger didnt really touch me like that. when i fell back asleep i pretended that your face was next to mine still and that your body was silently filling your shirt-which now smells a bit like me and you and my car...so like the beach and us....i still like it, because i know that you would like it still.   every time i get a chill i imagine its from one of your soft kisses.

i miss you, but i love you more every time i get to talk to you. even if i dont know what to say sometimes because i have no idea what you are going through.

hey look at this danny.

you dont care how late you stay up, i dont care how early i wake up- if i get to talk to you.

so yeah waking up at 4 am on a monday is not that great, but talking to you was so worth it. SO WORTH IT. i might just study and then nap a little and then take my test. 

i just had such a good breakfast, i have most of my things packed up and ready to be loaded and i am talking to you right this second. this day is going well already!

sometimes i sit  here and just stare into the darkness outside my window.

i ask myself what could lie outside my windows when the dark takes over here?

there is a breeze here now, thank god. all day the air has been stagnant and hot. i felt hot in my cotton skirt and tank. 

the fact that it feels like summer makes me miss you more. you must be exhausted, i kept you up so late your time talking. i feel awful but at the same time i am thankful for every second i get to see your face and hear your voice, or your breathing when you cant talk. even text messaging you on the internet is fulfilling, but how i miss your eyes, deep pools that like the darkness creeping outside my window hold something i have yet to discover.

i really need to be re-reading my geology for monday and packing for tomorrow. i cant wait till you come home and you've just left.

i decided already that when you get back i am going to rent us a super nice hotel room where i will cut your hair, which will be so long then,  and  we can sleep for hours with our heads pressed so close together that the sweat from your brow becomes the sweat on mine. i would give anything to hear your breathing turn to sleep right now, that faithful change to a whisper of breath  means the world to me. to hear your laugh so close to my skin that i can feel the vibrations running across the surface.

i want more than anything a piggy back to my car, a piggy back to your car, a piggy back to where ever you want to take me because i don't care i will go anywhere with you.

i love you. i didn't think i would be able to, i didn't even try to. i didn't even have to.

i dont have this song on my hard drive, only on my ipod, so i havent been able to listen to it the last few days.

i've been watching the video a lot though.

spencer, my friend studying in china, suggested that we set up times to talk so that we dont wait around trying to catch one another, i think this is a good idea for sometimes.

swimming laps

when you leave m little hands will keep time holding themselves,

at night my mind will kiss my eyes to sleep- the tiny soul that resides within this dusty skin,

knows that "everything will be fine"

i was fine yesterday, but last night it felt forced and awful. pretending to be happy and fine when all i want to do is drink something thick and chalky, like laundry detergent maybe... or the radioactive material they gave me once to drink at the doctors office when i wouldnt take the shot before some type of bone scan. This type of substance seems like it might fill the void.

time here is 3 hours ahead and the opposite time of the day. you are just having a nice friday afternoon, i will not even expand upon the jealousy there is inside of me that you are there in that beautiful city and i am here in long beach surrounded by ill memories and taking finals, or at least studying for them. i finally heard from you via email, and just the contact was nice, because some things were said last night that set my mind-then at ease- whirling into a dark vortex where the only thoughts i had were awful ones that left me feeling ill and betrayed all over again.

at this rate two months will seem like an eternity where i never hear you're voice. but your mom keeps calling me :)

i remember when ryan's family took a vacation for christmas, feeling like i was missing out on seeing him for that week-on sharing that holiday with him. i felt so awful then, i thought. i guess i had never fathomed that the void could literally feel as though it were the size of the ocean that is keeping our bodies apart, and is turning our lives separate, times on opposite sides of the world.

God, I miss you.

i miss you already.

your plane is flying your body so far away from mine.

thank you for a perfect morning, and a perfect night.

i hope that smile never fades from the memories hiding in the corner of my mind, 

so that one day in the future i can find myself reflecting on perfection.

8 days

In 8 days you will leave.

In 8 days.

A part of me wants to just rush you off and tell you to have fun and be safe, and kiss you goodbye.

Another part of me wants to run away, there is this nagging suspicion that I wont be able to handle even two months away from you.

I was fine until earlier today, when we spoke on the phone: when you talked about our last night here and how you wanted to spend it with me. Just being with me. This was the beginning of the downward spiral inside of me. At dinner i started crying, i tried to play it off by saying it was over little fish. And the truth is that once i said that, i did cry for little fish..but only because i got him with you. He would have been my company for all of the days when you could not. Poor little fish, fuck parasites.

Gosh i am being such a babyhead, i don't even feel like dancing to the music playing from molly's speakers now...and it is good music that would usually send at least my fingers into a dance.

8 days, 7 tomorrow when i see you, and then you are gone again. and i will sit here thinking about how you are gone and i am here taking exams and doing projects that lack an real meaning. mostly just missing you. missing everything about you that i've grown to love so much.

I am crying now, and i should be writing an Italian paper...but all that is doing is making me think about you being there and such which is making this just awful.

things only you can do

you can sleep your head on my little knees anytime you'd like.

you can breathe your breaths into my ears anytime you get close.

you can press your lips to my tiny kisses anytime you are lonely.

you can push your face into my thoughts anytime a plane flies overhead.

you can call me anytime you want to hear a friendly voice, i will whisper into the receiver to set your mind at ease.

you can hold me close anytime your arms feel empty and anxious.

you can love me till our bodies turn to dust, i just hope the wind doesn't blow me far from you.

I would like to note that some photos are missing on this post due to a missing CD, they will be uploaded later. They are from the desert, swimming pool, and the parking garage.

Untitled Portable Sculpture One

This title of this piece is Untitled Portable Sculpture One. As I sat reflecting on the current process of this piece I came upon the realization that this piece is not yet finished. If I were to account for the life of this piece it is still a young child, It has been through so little has such few stories to relay back to viewers who as of it's lifespan. I do not think it is proper for me to officially name this sculpture, for I do not know it personally- and I may never have the privilege to bestow upon it a name suited to its preferences. It seems odd to speak of an objects preferences, but as I mindlessly added wood to the piece, with only an idea of a general shape-unaware of any ramifications my own actions would have on the inanimate object- I became aware of the life of the piece. The piece moves in its own fashion, and in every type of light shares with me a unique voice- I am only inches from understanding its inaudible murmur.

Untitled Portable Sculpture One was initially and remains to be a site-specific sculpture, making it's environment crucial to it's well being. My initial reasoning for this was that items in different environments consequently obtain different meanings or purposes, and I wanted to explore the meaning that an object would acquire if it were to be significant to several environments- or if several environments were significant to the object. The piece has been to several places in it's short lifespan, all of which ideally either intrinsically altered the sculpture or represented another point of view for both the viewer and sculpture to gain importance from. Another idea that I wanted to explore was the idea that as an object constructed of organic materials, such as metal and nails, when subjected to the elements would experience some sort of change or begin the process of decomposition, including rust. This piece was also about the exploration of a process of building itself. I would in no way ever claim to be a good builder, describing myself as fair at best. However, despite my lack of skill or experience building I wanted to take materials that once served a purpose useful to society and essentially make them appear purposeless. To achieve this I used wood that was from palettes that I deconstructed into the component boards that the palettes gain their useful qualities from. I then constructed a circular form that was too large to carry with ease, with too many sharp edges and splinters to touch sensually, too small to live within, and was not water tight. I then took this object, that at the time I felt uncomfortable in movement with, and placed it in my car.

Once the sculpture was in my car it began it's life cycle, this time spent in waiting was only a short incubation stage necessary for my personal development of the sculpture. It was at this point that a true questioning of what I regard as an originally minimalist approach to my piece, and I realized that the problems that I was having internally in approaching the piece were existent because I was attempting to not give the piece meaning myself. To me this piece is nothing, simply a process that I have gone through, a learning experience- and in this itself the piece has not only gained a meaning but perhaps a purpose that I did not anticipate or strive for. For example, in order to document the cycle that I introduced to this piece I decided to learn how to use a manual film camera for documentation. I liked the qualities that film intrinsically have, although it would have been easier and perhaps more conducive to the classroom to have used digital photos. Film, in order to be altered, must be altered by hand, there are skills involved- while digital photos can be manipulated easily by anyone with only a few clicks on a screen. I also felt that taking the photos myself is what truly made the documentation process of the piece viable as a part of the artwork. So, perhaps the photos took longer, and are not as good as they could have been had I let somebody else be the person to push the button exposing the film to light and recording an image of what their eyes saw.

In closing, this piece is to me as a child I am simply overseeing. I have no true emotions towards it, except for a longing to understand it- which I do not yet feel qualified to do, nor do I feel that the piece is ready for somebody to understand it fully. This piece is changing, and in front of our eyes it is telling us it's story visually, as an elderly woman tells her story by the wrinkles on her skin. In reflection I have found that it is not human to resist metaphor, and therefore I will try my best not to lend false meaning to Untitled Portable Sculpture One- whose purposeless nature may lend to it a purpose all along.

your voice put my crooked mind to sleep, now i am anxious because i cannot call our voice to ease my mind now.

it is too early to wake your babyhead. it is too early to be awake little fish- doing an early morning slow dance.

without you my luck is sour

let us switch places.



the last few days have been perfection. every waking and asleepin' moment was subtle and relaxing. the days were so hot, but we lay in the sand and went swimming in our clothes, our bottom clothes at least...

you are so willing to go on adventures, and you love them. you dont complain about spontaneous adventuring into the desert, through the hills, down the beach. you are just so relaxed about whatever we do together. your smile could make me smile if i were dead.

little fish has been dancing to some disco i think, he asked to be entered for that show So You Think You Can Dance? i told him that no fish of ours would be on tv shaking his fins like that, it's a disgrace. He sends you fishy kisses and misses the tone of your voice and the shape of your face.

maybe i am a little bit like little fish, i think he takes after me.


ps: do you want to die? I think they locked you out of your tomb, so i dont know where we will keep you!

i love falling in love with you

keep your nose buried in a book

ignoring the gifts dangling by your feet-

falling in love seems harder now,

harder than i've known before,

knowing that the love i've thought i knew before was obsolete.

take me under your gaze,

hold me in your mind- away

from the fading midday sun.

just. please. dont

leave me here.

alone to play with the cooling breeze.

memories of your voice whispering on the

crests of the waves so far away-

so far far away from the stretch of my souls childish gaze.

it's cold here- it's a wonder i can breathe

at all without your hands to keep me warm.

"sing into my mouth"

fingers frustrated in motion,
a fancy dance for two.
the effort in hiding beneath
the dust in these sheets.
lending laughter to a story
your lips part to tell.


smooth skin passing through,
clean limbs swimming in dirty water.

 every day I think that I have never had a better day in my life, never had a better sleep in the night, never been kissed that way-so right.

When you are angry, do not sin, and be sure to stop being angry before the end of the day. Do not give the devil a way to defeat you. -Ephesians 4:26-27 NCV

i dont even care

i miss you already. i miss little smiles that creep onto the corners of my mouth no matter how much i try to keep them inside.
i miss little nose taps and belly farting, and armpit napping.

i need a second sleep, because first sleep has not been satisfactory at all- i keep falling asleep wishing my body was not alone in my cold tiny bed. i want your arms around me, i want to breathe loudly with you all night. synchronized shoe tying and impromptu beach wood sculptures that rest in recent memory come alive again when i close my eyes.

i wish that i could ease your worries with my thoughts, but i cant make you feel okay in this.






are we different, misunderstood and eagerly judged?
i think we are so much the same, and just the right amount different.
i love that you are so humble in your knowledge- you have a mind for yourself and dont need the approval of your peers.

i wish i could reign in my emotions and feel at peace inside.