i had told myself that i was going to spend my time at the beach and creating things. instead i have spent m time writing in a tiny notebook, or staring at blank pages and pretending there was something worth viewing or writing inside of me.
i have been spending as much time with my grandma as i can, and the drive has become long and irritating. i hate driving. i hate driving to watch somebody i love die. i hate that i hate driving to watch her die.
i once tried to imagine life if she was dead, or how it would feel when she was dying... and i couldnt.i had been through the other deaths, but i was not as close to them as i am to her...she was the one to watch me grow, she was the one whose diaper i changed and whose lipstick i fished out of the toilet laughing the whole time. she IS the one i love the most, and it hurts to let her go. I laid with her in the hospital bed they brought her, and i listened to her heart beating and i couldnt imagine that it would ever stop. i think that once she is gone her heart will keep beating, batteries propelling the thumping sound inside her chest. an ivory casket with pink velvet, she will look beautiful, but i think the inside should be blue...that was her favorite color. i cant wait to hold her hand tomorrow and tell her how much i love her again. every time it is new to her, so every time it is the truth.
next week i will work on something for me, i will start this next project. i will do it. i have to.
Nessun commento:
Posta un commento