take a deep breath

i couldnt stop smiling today.

i felt beautiful and strong. i felt good. i felt the heads turning when i walked past and they werent looking at me they werent gawking at me, i had just been so happy that they were staring, thinking, 'what could she be so happy about on a cold day like this?'

i dont know, yesterday i felt a change within myself, it had been coming for a few days but yesterday i felt it. as though something had grown to size within myself. perhaps it is a sense of acceptance with myself; my situation. perhaps it is a sense of freedom now. i am free from my own guilt, free from the pressures of loving somebody else.
when i said i dont think of you that way anymore, i meant that you had forced me to take that part of my feelings for you and put them in a tiny little drawer in the side of my mind...i figure it is directly above the bone behind my left ear, because this was my favorite spot to be kissed and this would only make sense. who knows what the future holds for me, perhaps this will be my year alone... the first i have had in a long time. it has been almost a year since my last opportunity at independence from all others and i wont lie, i was not ready then to be alone. now though it doesnt feel like being alone is lonely, it feels like being alone is a new path that i need to follow-it is my destiny and yeah i believe in those things. and i love my best friends, i miei migliori amici.

love never dissipates if it is real, and if it is real it can wait, in the corners of our minds our under our beds or in cabinets in hat boxes, no matter where it is it can wait however long it takes for the time to be right... even if we dont know that love is waiting for us. someday we will find it... in a familiar hug...a face on a computer screen 6,000 miles away...a stranger on the street. that is love. we all deserve it, and hopefully it will find us all eventually... wherever it lies in waiting.