i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead.

i wish my outsides matched my insides.
i cannot focus. and i have my exams this week. i dont know how i will even get out of bed to do this.
everywhere i go all i see is you. i cannot even listen to music all it does is remind me of you, every song...even songs you've never heard.
i have been crying so much i had to take my nose ring out and now it has healed.


(last night i had a dream that seemed so real that i thought i could touch it. we were on a bus, an ipod headphone in each ear listening to every song we've ever loved. you had your hand on my knee and then you kissed my nose and said you missed me. when i woke up this morning there was blood on my pillow, i had gotten a bloody nose in the night.)

when things arent easy i promised myself i would go on, how else could i ever know what i was capable of... but right now i feel like digging a hole and laying in it. some wet soil and worms as my friends. because

everytime i close my eyes i see you, and i open them.
everytime i take a breathe i can feel the emptiness inside myself, so i've been holding my breath.
everytime i take a drink i wonder why i am not numb yet, so i take another.
everytime i dance i wonder where my rhythm went, so i dance faster.
everytime i draw i wonder where these shaky hands came from, and so i write.
everytime i shower i try and scrub this itch from my skin, but it is still there and it wont leave me alone.
everytime i check my email, afraid of what i wont find.

i am afraid that when i go see the Gregorian Chanters at Santa Croce in a few minutes i will break down because all i will think about is how you would have loved it.


i hate being alive. i hate being here. i hate everything.

who thought up the word fair, the concept behind it. nothing is ever fair. people arent fair. people are greedy and selfish. they want it all for themselves and dont know how to give. people are spineless and afraid, i wish i wasnt a person. i wish i was water.






































underwater.underground. under__________.