i miss the mundane sensation of comfort.






i made a playlist of the songs that wont leave my head. i dont have them all on my computer but here is what i have.


1. talking heads: this must be the place
1.5. jose gonzales: heartbeats
2. the teenagers: french kiss
3. the teenagers: homecoming
4. bjork: i miss you(sunshine mix)
5. chromeo: mommas boy
6. m83: lower your eyelids to die with me
7. nada surf: fruit fly
8. sigur ros: saeglopur
9. andrew bird: skin is, my
10. jim sturgess: all my loving
11. red house painters: have you forgotten
12. new order: love vigilantes
13. cut copy: autobahn music box
14. the the: this is the day
15. air: venus
16. her space holiday: the ringing in my ears
17. built to spill: car
18. nick drake: one of these things first
19. radiohead: thinking about you
20. radiohead: house of cards
21. peter bjorn and john: amsterdam
22. neil young: you and me
23. mint royale: princess
24. editors: munich
25. edotirs: bullets


sometimes i dont know what to think, i dont know what to say:so i go numb, blank, i turn myself into this empty void to hide all the pain.

i just keep telling myself i will be okay, i just keep telling myself that it will be okay, that God will have the right thing happen for me for once it will work out...


my uncle died on monday night from complications in the emergency room that lead to a heart attack, they said he was very very sick. On thursday of next week they are having his funeral back home and this friday they are spreading his ashes in maui with the job corp people that loved him.
they always say that loss comes in threes, and now i know it does.
in about a week i have lost: my pet rex, my best friend and lover danny, and now my moms oldest brother-my grandma's first child- my uncle chuck.

loss is a strange thing, there is a sense of loss not quite feeling like reality- like not matter how many times you are told you've lost somebody you still feel as though they are there until it hits you at one moment...usually at a much later time...and you are overcome by a feeling of such deep emptiness that you wonder if you've lost the bottom to your soul.

i've never been one with words so to speak, but i miss things about the life i left behind so much right now that i am forcing myself to continue to live the one i have taken on when i embarked on this adventure.


today is my dads birthday and i miss him. i miss planning something awesome for this day and seeing him, spending dinner with him maybe, maybe going to sushi and getting ice cream like we always do. i just am sad that i cant be with him on this day...but i guess i am going to miss a lot of birthdays back home and i should get used to this feeling.


PS:i am sick. but so far my exams are going well.i think...