i've been looking back at time

reading all the words i wrote before, andi stumbled across my new years resolution:

"finally making a resolution. usually i just make jokes of these...this year i have some bad habits i'd like to kick.

i will no longer do every favor people ask me to do for fear that they will find i've nothing to offer them if i say no.
i will be stronger and resist temptation to go the easy route in my personal life
i will express myself without fear of alienation
i will take pleasure in solitude, find comfort in the slow rhythm of my own breathing.
i will laugh louder, smile bigger, and love platonically more and romantically less-not that this was a particular problem of mine."


i have done okay with following through on these i think, some things not so much as others.

i have been strong, and forced myself to go the hard route.
and for a long time i was laughing, i was smiling, and i was in love.
i am still a little afraid to express myself, even though i do so anyways.
i still do almost everything that is asked of me... but i have said no a few times to things i REALLY didnt want to do.
i am still uncomfortable alone, really alone...when i hear myself breath i still wonder whose lungs are pumping that air, what is that i am hearing, and it still scares me to know i am so alone that i can hear my own chest.

























there is a pit in my stomach,
and a knot in my chest.
i have a good idea of bad things to come.
and i dont like the thought of being alive right now.