at night my mind will kiss my eyes to sleep- the tiny soul that resides within this dusty skin,
knows that "everything will be fine"
i was fine yesterday, but last night it felt forced and awful. pretending to be happy and fine when all i want to do is drink something thick and chalky, like laundry detergent maybe... or the radioactive material they gave me once to drink at the doctors office when i wouldnt take the shot before some type of bone scan. This type of substance seems like it might fill the void.
time here is 3 hours ahead and the opposite time of the day. you are just having a nice friday afternoon, i will not even expand upon the jealousy there is inside of me that you are there in that beautiful city and i am here in long beach surrounded by ill memories and taking finals, or at least studying for them. i finally heard from you via email, and just the contact was nice, because some things were said last night that set my mind-then at ease- whirling into a dark vortex where the only thoughts i had were awful ones that left me feeling ill and betrayed all over again.
at this rate two months will seem like an eternity where i never hear you're voice. but your mom keeps calling me :)
i remember when ryan's family took a vacation for christmas, feeling like i was missing out on seeing him for that week-on sharing that holiday with him. i felt so awful then, i thought. i guess i had never fathomed that the void could literally feel as though it were the size of the ocean that is keeping our bodies apart, and is turning our lives separate, times on opposite sides of the world.
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