playing games

so currently the garage is so cold that i am playing games with myself- i kicked my own ass at scrabble i tell ya!

i realized while eating granola on the kitchen counter this morning that although i love spending time with people in groups, i generally enjoy one-on-one time much better. I think this is because in a group you have the chance of feeling alienated, whereas when one-on-one nobody is going to be the odd man out. I consistently fall into the category of "out of the loop", that is just one uncomfortable spot to be man, i tell ya!
it is when i find myself most uncomfortable that most people think that i am humorous, because in these situations i just blurt shit out like a retard, and with almost no regard as to what i am saying and who has to listen to whatever it is that i have just said.

today has been a better day, i still am thinking a lot of him-missing his hands today mostly. Oh gosh, he used to brush my cheek before he'd kiss it so often. It felt so wonderful, the way his fingers would play upon the surface of my skin-dancing in a fashion that always seemed new and fabulous. I love that i tried to trick myself into forgetting these little things, when i should have been telling myself that those were the best things-those were our things. Nobody will ever touch me that way again, and any attempt will strike me as a fraud. Every kiss that lands on this thin-lipped mouth will be lack-luster and situationally wrong to me. We kissed perfectly, as if our lips-despite their huge size difference- had morphed to work perfectly and in the most delightful manner when we pressed them together. I can still remember the way i felt when he first kissed me. The way he kissed my cheek so gently and when i turned my head it was just so easy. not contrived. Even that first kiss left me breathless, and a spot on my cheek burning. For the first time i understood what people meant when they said that they never wanted to wash their face again. However, by the time i returned home that evening the burning has dissipated and all i was left with was a bit of dried saliva making my face feel itchy.

i don't know why i am putting myself through this, as if purging these wonderful moments from my mind this once will suddenly make them hurt less to think of. They hurt because they induce the thoughts that i have that cause my missing him. missing those perfectly paired kisses, the touch that burned my skin red hot.