learning to wash your face

I've been spending so much time alone lately in my garage.
The longer I am alone the more I think about him, the more I miss him.
He is the only one I've ever loved and I still love him, no matter how much he hurt me i have this horrible urge to go back to him. Now he probably wouldn't even want me. I just feel so lost in my own soul-it's so conflicted in my head! I am eating poorly i am so depressed, it's awful because i know i am doing it but i dont care enough to stop. At home i feel alone. I used to get excited when i was home alone, as if i could carry out my mischief without anyone to stop me- stop me from eating an entire bag of tortilla chips or making an entire cake eating it and then cleaning up the evidence-okay it was a small cake...
I feel like an ugly person, inside and outside now. I used to like who i was, now i just realize how ridiculous i must sound half of the time, ridiculous and annoying.

everything in here reminds me of him, it's like i dont need that box i left under the sink, the memories are clearer in my own mind today then they were then. perhaps i am imagining these events better than they were, i don't know.