Piacere

so i felt much better in italian today, maybe because today was way bomb in sculpture!

so my sick twisted roman constructivist version sculpture is going to be this awesome cardboard cocoon that i am going to make people get inside. i am so amped to go dumpster diving for cardboard this weekend, since i have $25 left of my school money and still a few other necessities to buy...


the shiver that run downs my spine-
every whisper of the wind
sounds like the water in my ear, heavier.

heavy like the weight on my shoulders every time you call my name, every time i feel the same.

please don't kiss my little lips that way again, leave these lips alone.

o golly gee

i was feeling so silly in art history today. when she took role and asked for nick names i told her to call me "g". i really dont know what i was thinking, what a freakin idiot.


"Gabriel Roth?"
" oh it's Gabrielle, but i go by G."
"oh, my son in law goes by that...mumble mumble..."


still have managed to avoid eating anything but breakfast in the dining halls.
hell yeah.

beginagain.niaganigeb

the beginning of a new semester.
i was slightly anxious about gaining instructor consent for an italian class, but all went well and now i am nice and relaxed.
yesterday was a very nice day.

the way i smile around you causes my heart to forget about that stinging wound it still has the burden of carrying with it. i bet your lips tasted like licorice.


content not knowing what my future holds: joy found in the permeable distance spanned with my eyes closed, chin tilted towards the man in the moon, late night walking through a parking lot alone.

hail

it's that sick in the pit of the stomach feeling
when all you want is someone to rub the apples of your cheeks and tell you that you're beautiful.

and i ask you,"what does it feel like to have so much life in your eyes?"

as the words part my lips i get a tearing suspicion that asking the question was like spreading a secret of a stranger.

and i think to you, "what does it feel like to have a soul" and you say to me, looking into my eyes with your life, "it feels like this"

and i feel it. the sudden warmth that is overtaking the pain that is residing where my soul used to, where for months now all that has been hiding there is the dust of skin

(i wish you didn't hesitate when you kissed me, i wish i hadn't made you, i wish we hadn't pulled back.)

sometimes i have such a vivid imagination.

like the wind

it is so windy here, and it feels so fitting.
inside of me it feels like there is a tornado.

breathing under water

Devan broke up with tara today at 3 am. she called me at 8, i missed her first call because my phone had slipped behind my bed.

tonight we went to the top of the world and just cried together as we talked about losing love. i was reminded of a dream i have frequently where i can breathe under water. in the dream i just sit there under the surface slowly sinking, but not matter how far i sink the pattern on the water and the bright sun spot never get smaller-as though they are growing as i sink deeper as to not lose sight of me. or perhaps i am shrinking and not sinking at all, that also would make sense.

i wish i could breathe underwater, each little bubble of air that escaped might take a little of this pain away until there was no more pain and i could close my eyes and rest a while in the cool water, feeling the hot white of the sun permeate my eyelids.

hanging up

swallowing air, trying to form an excuse for this lump in my throat
head back, water in your ears
thoughts twitching on your lips into a receiver.

neither side ready to say goodbye,
both conceding and hang up.
but you still can't breathe, it made no difference.


cold feet.

"Build a wall of books between us in our bed

repeat, repeat the words i know we both said
relax into the need we get so confortable
remember when i was so strange and likeable

i just want back in your head
i just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little

When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you
remember when how sweet and unexplainable
nothing like this person unloveable

i just want back in your head
i just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
Run, run, run
Run
Run, run, run
Run
i just want back in your head
i just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray"
-T&S Back in your head

climbing big rocks

So that is a joshua tree... it is a mix between a regular tree, a palm tree, and a cactus...or at least that is what jon and i decided. We got to the park on friday and man was it beautiful, and cold. Right away we set up camp and climbed a giant rock formation that we spotted. Turns out jon is a little afraid of heights and climbing so we had to kind of stop and wait for him...push him up the rock... as afraid of heights as jon is, spencer is the opposite! The kid is like a frickin billy goat prancing up the sides of shit! seriously i was in awe. All in all i had a lot of fun, met a bunch of cool folks, and didn't sleep a wink! It was so cold that my pillow froze, yeah FROZE! Last night it was so windy that our tent blew off the rods and just kinda whipped at us as we slept...not very effective shelter i would say...

Camping makes me miss him, especially camping with photography students and in such a rocky place. sleeping on my frozen pillow made me wish that he had been there to share a tent, he would have let me slip into his sleeping bag and sleep on his chest, or share his pillow. Driving home i called him because a birdie told me he had dropped some things off at the house, i felt like he was holding something back. I don't know what, or why. I can't help loving him, missing him. He meant so much to me, I can't just turn my feelings off now that they are here. I need a distraction, i need to get busy- find some other tasks to occupy my time. So that i do not have to spend as much time missing him, crying by myself.

I really want the new Tegan and Sarah cd... so good.

forgettable

i wonder why it is that when you're around me you forget yourself, and why when you aren't around me i am forgettable. i have forgotten who i am, maybe that is the explanation for these feelings. Perhaps i am just projecting them onto you.

you arent the only one who finds it so easy to forget me, its a personality trait of mine:forgettable, socks never match. so far that's what i have gathered of who i am.

100 calorie packs

I hate this idea of 100 calorie packs. Whenever i eat them i feel so unsatisfied that i end up eating 4 or 5 packs. Now i know that they are 100 calories each so i know i have just downed 400 or 500 calories in a matter of moments. Then i just feel bad about myself. at least when i eat an entire bag of cheetos it doesnt remind me every handful of just how many calories i am inhaling. thats why they don't label the bag of cheetos 1,500 calorie bag!

got it?

playing games

so currently the garage is so cold that i am playing games with myself- i kicked my own ass at scrabble i tell ya!

i realized while eating granola on the kitchen counter this morning that although i love spending time with people in groups, i generally enjoy one-on-one time much better. I think this is because in a group you have the chance of feeling alienated, whereas when one-on-one nobody is going to be the odd man out. I consistently fall into the category of "out of the loop", that is just one uncomfortable spot to be man, i tell ya!
it is when i find myself most uncomfortable that most people think that i am humorous, because in these situations i just blurt shit out like a retard, and with almost no regard as to what i am saying and who has to listen to whatever it is that i have just said.

today has been a better day, i still am thinking a lot of him-missing his hands today mostly. Oh gosh, he used to brush my cheek before he'd kiss it so often. It felt so wonderful, the way his fingers would play upon the surface of my skin-dancing in a fashion that always seemed new and fabulous. I love that i tried to trick myself into forgetting these little things, when i should have been telling myself that those were the best things-those were our things. Nobody will ever touch me that way again, and any attempt will strike me as a fraud. Every kiss that lands on this thin-lipped mouth will be lack-luster and situationally wrong to me. We kissed perfectly, as if our lips-despite their huge size difference- had morphed to work perfectly and in the most delightful manner when we pressed them together. I can still remember the way i felt when he first kissed me. The way he kissed my cheek so gently and when i turned my head it was just so easy. not contrived. Even that first kiss left me breathless, and a spot on my cheek burning. For the first time i understood what people meant when they said that they never wanted to wash their face again. However, by the time i returned home that evening the burning has dissipated and all i was left with was a bit of dried saliva making my face feel itchy.

i don't know why i am putting myself through this, as if purging these wonderful moments from my mind this once will suddenly make them hurt less to think of. They hurt because they induce the thoughts that i have that cause my missing him. missing those perfectly paired kisses, the touch that burned my skin red hot.

learning to wash your face

I've been spending so much time alone lately in my garage.
The longer I am alone the more I think about him, the more I miss him.
He is the only one I've ever loved and I still love him, no matter how much he hurt me i have this horrible urge to go back to him. Now he probably wouldn't even want me. I just feel so lost in my own soul-it's so conflicted in my head! I am eating poorly i am so depressed, it's awful because i know i am doing it but i dont care enough to stop. At home i feel alone. I used to get excited when i was home alone, as if i could carry out my mischief without anyone to stop me- stop me from eating an entire bag of tortilla chips or making an entire cake eating it and then cleaning up the evidence-okay it was a small cake...
I feel like an ugly person, inside and outside now. I used to like who i was, now i just realize how ridiculous i must sound half of the time, ridiculous and annoying.

everything in here reminds me of him, it's like i dont need that box i left under the sink, the memories are clearer in my own mind today then they were then. perhaps i am imagining these events better than they were, i don't know.

resolutions

finally making a resolution. usually i just make jokes of these...this year i have some bad habits i'd like to kick.

1. i will no longer do every favor people ask me to do for fear that they will find i've nothing to offer them if i say no.
2. i will be stronger and resist temptation to go the easy route in my personal life
3. i will express myself without fear of alienation
4. i will take pleasure in solitude, find comfort in the slow rhythm of my own breathing.
   
5. i will laugh louder, smile bigger, and love platonically more and romantically less-not that this was a particular problem of mine.

the year spent driving

Spend the night, holding close
lights burn tired eyes, and tired mouths keep moving
speaking words that breath-
breathing hot fog on glass windows,
obscuring a view of street lights and parking spaces.

laugh together-wrapped in your embrace,
closing wet eyes tight, burning-
trying to push past that place

writing our names on puzzle pieces hoping that we'd fit-
when the pieces were all jointed the names fell asunder.
lay upon dew frozen grass- aching to absorb the still nature of the wind,
walking barefoot in a muddy gutter- hoping to cleanse myself of you.