EARLY AUGUST 2008
when
you kiss me
i can feel it
seeping into my skin.
with
closed eyes
i can see it
on your face.
one more time
and i promise
not to ever, let the
feeling flee from
its memory-captive
in my mind.
September 7 2008
Bury me in thoughts of hometowns i've never
really known.
Busy me with thoughts of secure places to grow.
Fragmented Thoughts of September 24 2008
-ice cold, the haze passes the path i walk
-a look from a child in their school apron
-the son of the store owner sends a smirk my direction through the smoke of a cigarette
-the man who delivers wooden palettes has a hammer in his hand today
-steps move slow, although hurried, on this uneven stone
-the sensation of walking to your judgements in the center wears on me
-fingers fumbling in pressing, push push push, up up up
-out of breath and weary, a nights rest and you've lost it all.
September 25 2008
i am a continent
there is a river
running from my north
it brings echoes
through darkened pools
whispering stories of another time,
another land.
October 13 2008
swallowing often-
trying to fill the gap,
between times
i do not know.
left hanging out
in midday sun-
eventually sure to dry.
the pupils of your eyes
are the crows that tap
interruptingly on
the windows sill-
perched and begging me
to look-
their dark stares taunting.
i fear not-
avoiding the eyes of others
(fearing only my own reflection)
in the darkness of concrete pools.
Ocotober 19 2008
light as a feather, heavy as a brick;
falling quickly
into opened hands
of strangers on the street.
swimming in sewers filled
with sand, dismal abrasions
scoring the surface of skin
dusty and lonely in the evening light.
October 22 2008
just
tell me your name, show me where you come from.
take off your shirt and love me,
pressing out lips together we can force a smile,
ignore the knot in your mind,
limbs flailing in your thoughts
remind me of fingers on dusty ground,
something is missing,
something.
sabato 25 ottobre 2008
venerdì 24 ottobre 2008
mercoledì 22 ottobre 2008
self portraits
i have been very interested in self portraits lately,
all the different types.
i think that you can portray yourself however you want in a self portrait, be who you want to be...but the real you always shows in the eyes.its odd and scary and interesting. taking a photo of yourself, drawing yourself is like allowing yourself to know who it is that you are and who it is that you want to be...
i also am avoiding real thoughts.
domenica 19 ottobre 2008
i've been looking back at time
reading all the words i wrote before, andi stumbled across my new years resolution:
"finally making a resolution. usually i just make jokes of these...this year i have some bad habits i'd like to kick.
i will no longer do every favor people ask me to do for fear that they will find i've nothing to offer them if i say no.
i will be stronger and resist temptation to go the easy route in my personal life
i will express myself without fear of alienation
i will take pleasure in solitude, find comfort in the slow rhythm of my own breathing.
i will laugh louder, smile bigger, and love platonically more and romantically less-not that this was a particular problem of mine."
i have done okay with following through on these i think, some things not so much as others.
i have been strong, and forced myself to go the hard route.
and for a long time i was laughing, i was smiling, and i was in love.
i am still a little afraid to express myself, even though i do so anyways.
i still do almost everything that is asked of me... but i have said no a few times to things i REALLY didnt want to do.
i am still uncomfortable alone, really alone...when i hear myself breath i still wonder whose lungs are pumping that air, what is that i am hearing, and it still scares me to know i am so alone that i can hear my own chest.
there is a pit in my stomach,
and a knot in my chest.
i have a good idea of bad things to come.
and i dont like the thought of being alive right now.
"finally making a resolution. usually i just make jokes of these...this year i have some bad habits i'd like to kick.
i will no longer do every favor people ask me to do for fear that they will find i've nothing to offer them if i say no.
i will be stronger and resist temptation to go the easy route in my personal life
i will express myself without fear of alienation
i will take pleasure in solitude, find comfort in the slow rhythm of my own breathing.
i will laugh louder, smile bigger, and love platonically more and romantically less-not that this was a particular problem of mine."
i have done okay with following through on these i think, some things not so much as others.
i have been strong, and forced myself to go the hard route.
and for a long time i was laughing, i was smiling, and i was in love.
i am still a little afraid to express myself, even though i do so anyways.
i still do almost everything that is asked of me... but i have said no a few times to things i REALLY didnt want to do.
i am still uncomfortable alone, really alone...when i hear myself breath i still wonder whose lungs are pumping that air, what is that i am hearing, and it still scares me to know i am so alone that i can hear my own chest.
there is a pit in my stomach,
and a knot in my chest.
i have a good idea of bad things to come.
and i dont like the thought of being alive right now.
sabato 18 ottobre 2008
venerdì 17 ottobre 2008
open up your eyes
see how lifetime flies
open up and let the light back in
open up your heart
let the loving start
open up and let the light back in
i was thinking of you and me
making love beneath the trees
and now i wonder could it be
thinking about the times we had
some were good and some were bad
guitar fighting the tv
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking of you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
looking at you just the other night
dancing in the evening light
true love conquers all
old man sitting there
touch of gray but he dont care
when he hears his children call
i was think bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
i was thinking bout you and me
open up your eyes
see your lifetime flies
open up and let the light back in
giovedì 16 ottobre 2008
martedì 14 ottobre 2008
stranieri
i cried for like an hour yesterday pouring over things in my head.
14. i used to like the 14th, it was in the middle of the month, but it wasnt the 15th... it was even and divisible by 7, and by 2... and i liked that about it. i have probably the best photo ever up on my screen still, and i wont lie it isnt the quality it isnt even the size...its the content, across the oceans.
today i have to give my speech, in like an hour... and i dont really know what i am going to say at all. i decided to talk about cooking and how i have loved cooking since i was child... ahha we have to use passato prossimo and imperfetto in our speech, we arent allowed notes and we cant show pictures. this is going to be a miserable 10 minutes. because i dont really know how much i can talk about cooking in italian. i guess i can talk about how much i hated last semester not being able to cook because i lived in a dormitory.
oh well.
i am out of money for the month pretty much because i bought the bike... which now has air in the tires and appears to be keeping it, and my stomach hurts. and i am avoiding thinking about my presentation. maybe i wont have to go until tomorrow. that would be nice.. except i always go first because he loves me sooooooo much.
14. i used to like the 14th, it was in the middle of the month, but it wasnt the 15th... it was even and divisible by 7, and by 2... and i liked that about it. i have probably the best photo ever up on my screen still, and i wont lie it isnt the quality it isnt even the size...its the content, across the oceans.
today i have to give my speech, in like an hour... and i dont really know what i am going to say at all. i decided to talk about cooking and how i have loved cooking since i was child... ahha we have to use passato prossimo and imperfetto in our speech, we arent allowed notes and we cant show pictures. this is going to be a miserable 10 minutes. because i dont really know how much i can talk about cooking in italian. i guess i can talk about how much i hated last semester not being able to cook because i lived in a dormitory.
oh well.
i am out of money for the month pretty much because i bought the bike... which now has air in the tires and appears to be keeping it, and my stomach hurts. and i am avoiding thinking about my presentation. maybe i wont have to go until tomorrow. that would be nice.. except i always go first because he loves me sooooooo much.
lunedì 13 ottobre 2008
the past few days have been weird.
i feel happy but i also feel like i am at a loss.
-upon closer inspection the sweater was indeed orange and not red as i originally assumed.
-i am becoming something i feared.
-i should not be given more than...2 beers on any evening out...even an evening of celebration...even if i dont buy them.
-and if i am given more than 2 friends i certainly should not be allowed to dance with strangers... particularly italian strangers who are "trying to learn english"
these are rules that are going to be enforced the remainder of the week and the remainder of this trip. YUP
in other light i think am going to produce some truly unique and meaningful work while i am here, i am going to do a conceptual piece using yarn about the depth of loss and how people deal with loss differently. and i am also going to do a few figurative pieces on a theme that i am not too sure of, but i am going to use my drawings for inspiration. these two projects might just become one large body of work.
Tomorrow i have to give a presentation in class on something... i think that i will talk about egon schiele. maybe maybe maybe.
oh god i tried to explain mickey avalon in italian to Paolo yesterday and he was just completely confused and when we were walking to his car he told me that he thought i might be crazy. i dont know though. crazy does not seem too bad to me, i think he is just a little boring... could be the language barrier. oh well.
time for class... i got an A on my last test!!!!
i feel happy but i also feel like i am at a loss.
-upon closer inspection the sweater was indeed orange and not red as i originally assumed.
-i am becoming something i feared.
-i should not be given more than...2 beers on any evening out...even an evening of celebration...even if i dont buy them.
-and if i am given more than 2 friends i certainly should not be allowed to dance with strangers... particularly italian strangers who are "trying to learn english"
these are rules that are going to be enforced the remainder of the week and the remainder of this trip. YUP
in other light i think am going to produce some truly unique and meaningful work while i am here, i am going to do a conceptual piece using yarn about the depth of loss and how people deal with loss differently. and i am also going to do a few figurative pieces on a theme that i am not too sure of, but i am going to use my drawings for inspiration. these two projects might just become one large body of work.
Tomorrow i have to give a presentation in class on something... i think that i will talk about egon schiele. maybe maybe maybe.
oh god i tried to explain mickey avalon in italian to Paolo yesterday and he was just completely confused and when we were walking to his car he told me that he thought i might be crazy. i dont know though. crazy does not seem too bad to me, i think he is just a little boring... could be the language barrier. oh well.
time for class... i got an A on my last test!!!!
giovedì 9 ottobre 2008
martedì 7 ottobre 2008
take a deep breath
i couldnt stop smiling today.
i felt beautiful and strong. i felt good. i felt the heads turning when i walked past and they werent looking at me they werent gawking at me, i had just been so happy that they were staring, thinking, 'what could she be so happy about on a cold day like this?'
i dont know, yesterday i felt a change within myself, it had been coming for a few days but yesterday i felt it. as though something had grown to size within myself. perhaps it is a sense of acceptance with myself; my situation. perhaps it is a sense of freedom now. i am free from my own guilt, free from the pressures of loving somebody else.
when i said i dont think of you that way anymore, i meant that you had forced me to take that part of my feelings for you and put them in a tiny little drawer in the side of my mind...i figure it is directly above the bone behind my left ear, because this was my favorite spot to be kissed and this would only make sense. who knows what the future holds for me, perhaps this will be my year alone... the first i have had in a long time. it has been almost a year since my last opportunity at independence from all others and i wont lie, i was not ready then to be alone. now though it doesnt feel like being alone is lonely, it feels like being alone is a new path that i need to follow-it is my destiny and yeah i believe in those things. and i love my best friends, i miei migliori amici.
love never dissipates if it is real, and if it is real it can wait, in the corners of our minds our under our beds or in cabinets in hat boxes, no matter where it is it can wait however long it takes for the time to be right... even if we dont know that love is waiting for us. someday we will find it... in a familiar hug...a face on a computer screen 6,000 miles away...a stranger on the street. that is love. we all deserve it, and hopefully it will find us all eventually... wherever it lies in waiting.
i felt beautiful and strong. i felt good. i felt the heads turning when i walked past and they werent looking at me they werent gawking at me, i had just been so happy that they were staring, thinking, 'what could she be so happy about on a cold day like this?'
i dont know, yesterday i felt a change within myself, it had been coming for a few days but yesterday i felt it. as though something had grown to size within myself. perhaps it is a sense of acceptance with myself; my situation. perhaps it is a sense of freedom now. i am free from my own guilt, free from the pressures of loving somebody else.
when i said i dont think of you that way anymore, i meant that you had forced me to take that part of my feelings for you and put them in a tiny little drawer in the side of my mind...i figure it is directly above the bone behind my left ear, because this was my favorite spot to be kissed and this would only make sense. who knows what the future holds for me, perhaps this will be my year alone... the first i have had in a long time. it has been almost a year since my last opportunity at independence from all others and i wont lie, i was not ready then to be alone. now though it doesnt feel like being alone is lonely, it feels like being alone is a new path that i need to follow-it is my destiny and yeah i believe in those things. and i love my best friends, i miei migliori amici.
love never dissipates if it is real, and if it is real it can wait, in the corners of our minds our under our beds or in cabinets in hat boxes, no matter where it is it can wait however long it takes for the time to be right... even if we dont know that love is waiting for us. someday we will find it... in a familiar hug...a face on a computer screen 6,000 miles away...a stranger on the street. that is love. we all deserve it, and hopefully it will find us all eventually... wherever it lies in waiting.
domenica 5 ottobre 2008
CELL PHONE
alright so i found out that what i had been told by ATT about using my cellphone abroad was incorrect. i do get charged for all incoming calls as well as outgoing. i also am charged for roaming, which my phone is considered while i am here in Italy. however i do get text messages for free but it costs me 50 cents to send one.
SOOOOOOO for those of you that just love me so much that you want to let me know that you care at times or need to reach...here are some instructions on contacting me on my Italian cell:
FROM US: dial: 011 + 39(italy's country code) + 32(my area code in italy) + 02148705(my italian phone number). so total you would dial:011393202148705
i can receive free incoming calls but outgoing are outrageous here, i can also receive text messages for free but have yet to figure out how to text a US phone successfully, and texting is cheaper here in italy although still pretty ridiculous... all the phones are like "go-phones" where you preload money onto them for use.
CIAO!
SOOOOOOO for those of you that just love me so much that you want to let me know that you care at times or need to reach...here are some instructions on contacting me on my Italian cell:
FROM US: dial: 011 + 39(italy's country code) + 32(my area code in italy) + 02148705(my italian phone number). so total you would dial:011393202148705
i can receive free incoming calls but outgoing are outrageous here, i can also receive text messages for free but have yet to figure out how to text a US phone successfully, and texting is cheaper here in italy although still pretty ridiculous... all the phones are like "go-phones" where you preload money onto them for use.
CIAO!
giovedì 2 ottobre 2008
i miss the mundane sensation of comfort.
i made a playlist of the songs that wont leave my head. i dont have them all on my computer but here is what i have.
1. talking heads: this must be the place
1.5. jose gonzales: heartbeats
2. the teenagers: french kiss
3. the teenagers: homecoming
4. bjork: i miss you(sunshine mix)
5. chromeo: mommas boy
6. m83: lower your eyelids to die with me
7. nada surf: fruit fly
8. sigur ros: saeglopur
9. andrew bird: skin is, my
10. jim sturgess: all my loving
11. red house painters: have you forgotten
12. new order: love vigilantes
13. cut copy: autobahn music box
14. the the: this is the day
15. air: venus
16. her space holiday: the ringing in my ears
17. built to spill: car
18. nick drake: one of these things first
19. radiohead: thinking about you
20. radiohead: house of cards
21. peter bjorn and john: amsterdam
22. neil young: you and me
23. mint royale: princess
24. editors: munich
25. edotirs: bullets
sometimes i dont know what to think, i dont know what to say:so i go numb, blank, i turn myself into this empty void to hide all the pain.
i just keep telling myself i will be okay, i just keep telling myself that it will be okay, that God will have the right thing happen for me for once it will work out...
my uncle died on monday night from complications in the emergency room that lead to a heart attack, they said he was very very sick. On thursday of next week they are having his funeral back home and this friday they are spreading his ashes in maui with the job corp people that loved him.
they always say that loss comes in threes, and now i know it does.
in about a week i have lost: my pet rex, my best friend and lover danny, and now my moms oldest brother-my grandma's first child- my uncle chuck.
loss is a strange thing, there is a sense of loss not quite feeling like reality- like not matter how many times you are told you've lost somebody you still feel as though they are there until it hits you at one moment...usually at a much later time...and you are overcome by a feeling of such deep emptiness that you wonder if you've lost the bottom to your soul.
i've never been one with words so to speak, but i miss things about the life i left behind so much right now that i am forcing myself to continue to live the one i have taken on when i embarked on this adventure.
today is my dads birthday and i miss him. i miss planning something awesome for this day and seeing him, spending dinner with him maybe, maybe going to sushi and getting ice cream like we always do. i just am sad that i cant be with him on this day...but i guess i am going to miss a lot of birthdays back home and i should get used to this feeling.
PS:i am sick. but so far my exams are going well.i think...
i made a playlist of the songs that wont leave my head. i dont have them all on my computer but here is what i have.
1. talking heads: this must be the place
1.5. jose gonzales: heartbeats
2. the teenagers: french kiss
3. the teenagers: homecoming
4. bjork: i miss you(sunshine mix)
5. chromeo: mommas boy
6. m83: lower your eyelids to die with me
7. nada surf: fruit fly
8. sigur ros: saeglopur
9. andrew bird: skin is, my
10. jim sturgess: all my loving
11. red house painters: have you forgotten
12. new order: love vigilantes
13. cut copy: autobahn music box
14. the the: this is the day
15. air: venus
16. her space holiday: the ringing in my ears
17. built to spill: car
18. nick drake: one of these things first
19. radiohead: thinking about you
20. radiohead: house of cards
21. peter bjorn and john: amsterdam
22. neil young: you and me
23. mint royale: princess
24. editors: munich
25. edotirs: bullets
sometimes i dont know what to think, i dont know what to say:so i go numb, blank, i turn myself into this empty void to hide all the pain.
i just keep telling myself i will be okay, i just keep telling myself that it will be okay, that God will have the right thing happen for me for once it will work out...
my uncle died on monday night from complications in the emergency room that lead to a heart attack, they said he was very very sick. On thursday of next week they are having his funeral back home and this friday they are spreading his ashes in maui with the job corp people that loved him.
they always say that loss comes in threes, and now i know it does.
in about a week i have lost: my pet rex, my best friend and lover danny, and now my moms oldest brother-my grandma's first child- my uncle chuck.
loss is a strange thing, there is a sense of loss not quite feeling like reality- like not matter how many times you are told you've lost somebody you still feel as though they are there until it hits you at one moment...usually at a much later time...and you are overcome by a feeling of such deep emptiness that you wonder if you've lost the bottom to your soul.
i've never been one with words so to speak, but i miss things about the life i left behind so much right now that i am forcing myself to continue to live the one i have taken on when i embarked on this adventure.
today is my dads birthday and i miss him. i miss planning something awesome for this day and seeing him, spending dinner with him maybe, maybe going to sushi and getting ice cream like we always do. i just am sad that i cant be with him on this day...but i guess i am going to miss a lot of birthdays back home and i should get used to this feeling.
PS:i am sick. but so far my exams are going well.i think...
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