this is sinking in. i am really going. i am really doing this. i really really am.

i am really scared. really really scared.

what if i come home to nothing. what if something happens to you.  what if i miss my mom so much i cant stand it. what if somebody gets sick or hurt here. being abroad means i cannot come home to be with them. what if i hate it there. what if nobody likes me. what if i am not good enough to get into the accademia. what if i fail at this. what if this is a waste of time. what if you cant come visit. what if i get lonely at night.

every since i was little, i always worried about what if- or what with, what if my mom is not there to tell me what if everything is fine.

that concert was so good, it was the company that was strange.

man i just watched THE MOST depressing movie ever. An American Crime- it is based on a real story which made it even worse, about a woman who boards two young girls and ends up torturing one of them to death in her basement in the 1960's.

sometimes i think you are over there alone, and then i see the photos and realize this is just not the case...and then well then  i am a serious babyhead. i would rather be the girl in the photo wearing shorts cause it is actually hot...you pouring me wine. but i am not. and i wont ever be...cause well it just isnt going to happen cause i am not a millionaire. i am so glad you are having fun. i hope i get to talk to you tonight, i stayed up special so i could.

today was kind of a bad day. 

thank you so much for the playlist

i love you more with every song that hums into my ears.

thank you so so so so so so much.

smelling peaches

today i awoke to the sound of your voice, the best way to start the day. i then journeyed down the hill and ate an egg on toast with my mom and dad. he is in the state after the end of a relationship where you are fine, the state where loneliness has yet to swell your heart with the tears that your eyes have not yet shed.

when i returned home i tried to make space and also took apart the desk. this took hours but now there is plenty of space for the adventures that tomorrow will bring my way. the first day of summer, i plan to spend the majority of it with scott and sarah and am very excited.

tonight i went to my dad's to cheer him up. as i pulled up to his house i could smell the distinct scent of the strawberry fields in the night air. i was surprised because the day was cool and i wouldnt expect the fields to of been heated enough to cause the scent of the fruit to carry that way. i went to see a movie with my dad, we saw Before the Rains. it was truly beautiful though i felt the story moved so slowly and was a bit obvious. there were only a few other people in the theatre- one man by himself to our right, and two older couples who sat with their hands holding tightly across the arm rests. i could smell the woman in front of me's perfume- it smelled like jasmine and sand. i wish i could have taken the scent with me.

sorry i just dont like video games, since that is all that is important in order to be similar to you

so i woke up to your voice, it was a little startling, but was so nice in the end.

i told my mom about your trip about your bike ride today and how much better you feel. i told her about my box and how it made me feel so good. i told her about how excited i am for my turn over there. i also told her how scared i am.

i miss you alot but it is getting easier.

i am avoiding studying right now

i hate studying for italian. it feels pointless.

i am trying to wake you up... i have been for hours now

i want to call you. but i cant afford it.

because i think maybe this might wake you now, at the time when you have been getting up this week?

i am sitting in the library. i am making copies of fairytales for my box and i am sitting here doing nothing because i dont want to try and look up the like 6 terms i still need for my art history exam tomorrow because i am going to study all day until the exam at 2:45. i would rather be in my room doing my box, because it is coming along SO GOOD, today  i finished everything to the most ridiculous details on the layer with the geisha, octopus, pin cushion, chopsticks and mushrooms. it looks good. real good. the fabric did not take me as long as i thought and i feel a little dumb for dreading that pattern so much. then i started to paint the ocean. we will see how it looks when i get back to it...i might want to don a few more washes of watercolor...or put in some details with a blue pen maybe. i dont know.

today i woke up so early. but i have never been happier. i even took a test today and i am still happy.

god i love everything with you, even when you're not here i feel like you are. i imagined you behind me on the shuttle today as i stood holding tightly to the rail, my bookbag heavy and swaying slowly side to side. every time i lost my balance i pretended that it was you that place your hand to my hips and secured me to the shuttle floor again. dont worry the stranger didnt really touch me like that. when i fell back asleep i pretended that your face was next to mine still and that your body was silently filling your shirt-which now smells a bit like me and you and my car...so like the beach and us....i still like it, because i know that you would like it still.   every time i get a chill i imagine its from one of your soft kisses.

i miss you, but i love you more every time i get to talk to you. even if i dont know what to say sometimes because i have no idea what you are going through.

hey look at this danny.

you dont care how late you stay up, i dont care how early i wake up- if i get to talk to you.

so yeah waking up at 4 am on a monday is not that great, but talking to you was so worth it. SO WORTH IT. i might just study and then nap a little and then take my test. 

i just had such a good breakfast, i have most of my things packed up and ready to be loaded and i am talking to you right this second. this day is going well already!

sometimes i sit  here and just stare into the darkness outside my window.

i ask myself what could lie outside my windows when the dark takes over here?

there is a breeze here now, thank god. all day the air has been stagnant and hot. i felt hot in my cotton skirt and tank. 

the fact that it feels like summer makes me miss you more. you must be exhausted, i kept you up so late your time talking. i feel awful but at the same time i am thankful for every second i get to see your face and hear your voice, or your breathing when you cant talk. even text messaging you on the internet is fulfilling, but how i miss your eyes, deep pools that like the darkness creeping outside my window hold something i have yet to discover.

i really need to be re-reading my geology for monday and packing for tomorrow. i cant wait till you come home and you've just left.

i decided already that when you get back i am going to rent us a super nice hotel room where i will cut your hair, which will be so long then,  and  we can sleep for hours with our heads pressed so close together that the sweat from your brow becomes the sweat on mine. i would give anything to hear your breathing turn to sleep right now, that faithful change to a whisper of breath  means the world to me. to hear your laugh so close to my skin that i can feel the vibrations running across the surface.

i want more than anything a piggy back to my car, a piggy back to your car, a piggy back to where ever you want to take me because i don't care i will go anywhere with you.

i love you. i didn't think i would be able to, i didn't even try to. i didn't even have to.

i dont have this song on my hard drive, only on my ipod, so i havent been able to listen to it the last few days.

i've been watching the video a lot though.

spencer, my friend studying in china, suggested that we set up times to talk so that we dont wait around trying to catch one another, i think this is a good idea for sometimes.

swimming laps

when you leave m little hands will keep time holding themselves,

at night my mind will kiss my eyes to sleep- the tiny soul that resides within this dusty skin,

knows that "everything will be fine"

i was fine yesterday, but last night it felt forced and awful. pretending to be happy and fine when all i want to do is drink something thick and chalky, like laundry detergent maybe... or the radioactive material they gave me once to drink at the doctors office when i wouldnt take the shot before some type of bone scan. This type of substance seems like it might fill the void.

time here is 3 hours ahead and the opposite time of the day. you are just having a nice friday afternoon, i will not even expand upon the jealousy there is inside of me that you are there in that beautiful city and i am here in long beach surrounded by ill memories and taking finals, or at least studying for them. i finally heard from you via email, and just the contact was nice, because some things were said last night that set my mind-then at ease- whirling into a dark vortex where the only thoughts i had were awful ones that left me feeling ill and betrayed all over again.

at this rate two months will seem like an eternity where i never hear you're voice. but your mom keeps calling me :)

i remember when ryan's family took a vacation for christmas, feeling like i was missing out on seeing him for that week-on sharing that holiday with him. i felt so awful then, i thought. i guess i had never fathomed that the void could literally feel as though it were the size of the ocean that is keeping our bodies apart, and is turning our lives separate, times on opposite sides of the world.

God, I miss you.

i miss you already.

your plane is flying your body so far away from mine.

thank you for a perfect morning, and a perfect night.

i hope that smile never fades from the memories hiding in the corner of my mind, 

so that one day in the future i can find myself reflecting on perfection.

8 days

In 8 days you will leave.

In 8 days.

A part of me wants to just rush you off and tell you to have fun and be safe, and kiss you goodbye.

Another part of me wants to run away, there is this nagging suspicion that I wont be able to handle even two months away from you.

I was fine until earlier today, when we spoke on the phone: when you talked about our last night here and how you wanted to spend it with me. Just being with me. This was the beginning of the downward spiral inside of me. At dinner i started crying, i tried to play it off by saying it was over little fish. And the truth is that once i said that, i did cry for little fish..but only because i got him with you. He would have been my company for all of the days when you could not. Poor little fish, fuck parasites.

Gosh i am being such a babyhead, i don't even feel like dancing to the music playing from molly's speakers now...and it is good music that would usually send at least my fingers into a dance.

8 days, 7 tomorrow when i see you, and then you are gone again. and i will sit here thinking about how you are gone and i am here taking exams and doing projects that lack an real meaning. mostly just missing you. missing everything about you that i've grown to love so much.

I am crying now, and i should be writing an Italian paper...but all that is doing is making me think about you being there and such which is making this just awful.

things only you can do

you can sleep your head on my little knees anytime you'd like.

you can breathe your breaths into my ears anytime you get close.

you can press your lips to my tiny kisses anytime you are lonely.

you can push your face into my thoughts anytime a plane flies overhead.

you can call me anytime you want to hear a friendly voice, i will whisper into the receiver to set your mind at ease.

you can hold me close anytime your arms feel empty and anxious.

you can love me till our bodies turn to dust, i just hope the wind doesn't blow me far from you.