(18/08/2009)

i suddenly feel the very way i did before, trapped in the familiarity of everyday. i had returned ready for the instances of spontaneaity, and yet here i am again wanting to know what is happening at all times. i am once again pulling the hair from my head, breaking out in rashes, and itching my skin to a raw red patches.

collections

expectations.

Everyday feels like Sunday, the rush to figure out what I've been putting off for days hitting me every "Saturday" night as I sleep. absolutely maddening. No matter how many 5-6 hour sleeps I get in during the week I am still exhausted.

Yesterday I actually yelled at a neighbor, I went out of my way to do it too. I feel awful, my mind is writing him apology letters  and speeches, but it does not matter. He knew what he was doing when he came over to make me feel guilty for using the washing machine, he had just pegged me as an easy target because I just have the look of, "Oh sure, go before me, I have nothing better to do at all."

It was just one of those days where your insides feel raw and used up. Where every movement feels like an involuntary favor. The kind of day where the only things that sound good are sleeping or going on a bike ride until your face is red and sweaty and you're gasping for air.

I don't want to do anything at all, but the stress of everything is looming over me attached at the hip to the fear of failing. Everyone expecting so much and giving so little, sometimes myself too. I am just sitting here thinking, "what now?" (and not for loss of things to do, but for abundance).































oh shut the hell up and stop complaining. that's life, get used to it. (I just thought it would get so much better eventually)

spring equinox
your thoughts and words
fell into my ears like
imagined memories, unreal and
motivated by the happiness
of damp air. I don't warm
up fast to people, but i know
i would've warmed up nicely
to you (and not just cause
you wear your wounds on
the tip of your tongue.)

Constellation Lore
There was a time when
we looked to the stars
and made stories to
explain our existence.
Now we look to the sky
and examine the
matter of clouds, searching
the watery masses for shapes
that mimic our existence.

umpf
your words read like a bad
novel that i have passed the
time with; from my window
perch i stalk your life with
the most feline of intention-
i needed a tail to chase
through the morning fog.

slumped firefly
sometimes the body becomes tense with tiredness,
sick from being alone,
renewed by the day light.

lonely and stupid
sometimes when i sit here all alone
all i want is you by my side,
silent breathing this same air, hearts beating
in this same space. i want limbs
intwined, naked under thin sober sheets,
still warm and comfortable. i want you
in the morning, all day long.
as the wind passes through the light
tipped needles of northern pines.
i want you there, whoever you are,
the feeling of the wind on my fingers
sticky with the sweat of the day.
i want you, i want you here.
don't leave me alone here.

blahblahblah


we can make it if we try.

this might make no sense.

the light seeping in through the blinds in the morning wakes me slowly, and yet i feel that my sleep has been interrupted in the most horrible of ways.

lately the middle of the day has been filled with heartache, the type that can only go away when the wind is in your face, the air in your lungs moving too fast, your mouth is out of breath.

i have loved twice, maybe three times, in this life so far. And only one of these loves ended poorly, the youth in our hearts was too much perhaps and it pushed us away. I had been searching for proof in the blue pools of his eyes, but i never was able to quite pin down what it was that i found in the speckled white lying just outside.  the ending of the relationship, my first love, was the hardest and the most beneficial event that i have ever encountered in the relationship realm. At first, i was scared and quickly found another person to warm the apples of my cheeks, to love (even if it was only surface love, the type that is fast, passionate and strong-leaving only a smudge on your soul, nothing too painful to bear in the end.)  Then i ran across the world, and found a companion that was true and great, a boy who lived too far in the end and we resigned our souls to be only the closest of friends. Our time together spent sharing kisses in the foreign streets and jumping from vineyard walls in small mountain towns, arguing over the meaning of words, train rides to the sea, rainy treks on the autostrade, and reveling in our respective genius' of field.  I haven't found anything comparable to these relationships this year, there were wonderful people in my life, don't get me wrong(especially a special friend of the family who made my world spin for a matter of time before life came in to complicate it all and i wept until the steel rod that held my little universe was rusted and i was too lazy to buy some wd40 to fix it).

yesterday as i pushed the pain from the muscles in my legs, and caught myself out of breath on the street corner approaching a red light i caught sight of who may have been that first love. he looked the same, tall and slender,  a cap on his head and a dimple on his pale chin. he was just a person on the street, and it was all the same to me, though i would have liked to wave and say hello... i knew this was not the way he wants things, because one time a few years ago we broke each others hearts and now it's hard to look at us the same. our eyes are cloudy with the judgements of pains past. i know i made a lot of mistakes, but i was only 18,19. I was a babe, too young to know what to feel- to know what to do. I am sorry, and i hope someday that my first love can forgive my mistakes as well as his, and we can pass on the street with a wave and a hello. when i came home the tears streamed down my face and i wished that my friends were in this town to wipe my cheeks and tell me that life gets better, people forgive and grow, that happiness finds those who do good and that love is something we must have for ourselves before we can receive it from others.

I have amazing friends.

-lonely
-stressed
-lonely
-tired
-lonely
-low self esteem

observations and (mis)calculations

i don't want to feel alone anymore. (i re-want  to feel in love)

+

i want to feel beautiful: have hair and clear skin. (sometimes the smile on my face does not suffice)


= I want to be loveable and attractive.



I think that this is, on some level, how we all feel. anyone who says they don't care about one or the other is a liar.

you took away some of my lonely.

even though i know rumors are a bust, my feelings are hurt(ego and id included).

and for this, among other things, i am an idiot.


it's odd for me to suddenly realize that i miss the feeling of a good hug. somebody important to me hugged me on saturday, more than once, and i found myself so much lighter inside- some of the lonely was gone.


i miss my good friends a lot lately, and i miss the feeling of knowing that you are loved-though that has been missing for quite some time now.

excerpts

"she was the kind of woman who held onto the past, her life a collection of artifacts"

There is no feeling like the wind in your "hair" as you ride a bike. I sometimes forget the thrill of speeding downhill, inches from passing cars, the blood pumping hot through my thighs with each rotation. Everyone should ride a bike, they are romantic and fun and freeing. Its good for the body and good for the soul. A reminder that your lungs take in the cold night air that blows past your speeding body.  PERFECTION!

hot water (22/01/2010)

as i showered today i felt beautiful.
i was in appreciation of every part of my body.
the daylight flowed through the window, left open, and as the light reflected yellow causing my skin to glow i felt it. I tilted my head back and let the luke-warm water run down my body, like a caress. i felt like one with myself for the first time in a long while. i had to stop myself to remember that i was showering and i shouldnt waste so much water.

I washed my hair with the last bit of shampoo but did not allow myself to feel the anxiety i might normally feel about being the one to finish the bottle and continued.

as i shaved my legs i remembered several times in my life.
the act of shaving my legs at all reminded me of the very first time that i was allowed to. the way my grandmother told my mom that it was about time that i was allowed, i was sitting in the middle seat of the wagon with my feet sitting on the center console, i stared at the forest of blonde hair on my legs that were tan in contrast with the pale blue stretch shorts. i felt embarrassed by them then, the fact that my grandma felt the need to mention their hairy nature.

as the razor passed over the bruises on my shins i remembered the first time i felt responsible for something bad happening to another person. when i was about 5 m sister and i were at my dads apartment waiting to go to school. i remember that she was in fourth grade or so because her backpack was so heavy. she was doing as she continued to do in our lives and was helping to get me ready-tying my shoes under the kitchen table. i already knew how to tie them, but i let her because i liked it better when she did it. as she sat fixing my shoes i tied her laces together, she ma have also tied mine together at this point but i cannot remember. it was then that my dad came into the room, angry because he was running late probably, angry that we were playing. As my sister got up in a rush she must have forgotten about her laces and she fell. this made him even angrier, he yelled louder and i cant remember what he was saying just the volume and the red of his face as he yelled louder and louder. he threw her back pack at her, and it hit her with a thud. i just sat there under the table crying, scared of it all. i didn't do anything, i just sat there. I think that this is the day that my sister went to the principal and told him what happened, and when they asked me i lied because i thought i would be in trouble for making him mad, for not helping her. they knew that i lied, but they thought i was protecting him. i never corrected them.

then i turned off the water and wiped the walls down, exiting the shower as i had gone in-feeling a little dirty.

(22/01/2010)

I wanted to keep you selfishly in the corners of my mind as mine.
I wanted your heart and your eyes to become paralyzed in the passing of time.
I wanted you to never love again, and always be left with the remnants of marking that made you mine.
I wanted to be yours forever, I wanted to take refuge in the soft of your skin until the nothingness was there again.
I wanted to laugh with you until our faces were red in the bluest of lights.

I wanted to be yours.

things i hate about the ocean (22/01/2010)

i hate wasted conversations
the time it takes to say goodbye not waited.

i hate sand in my bed
spending hours cleaning it from the crevices in my car.

i hate feeling disappointed
i hate everything about this so far.

infatuation inspiration

richard wentworth "untitled" 2009 in main pavilion at venice biennale 2009

cornelia parker "edge of england"

irina korina for russian pavilion at venice biennale 2009

sometimes the people you least expected are the ones you cannot stop thinking about, the ones who inspire the smile on your face and the movement of the minds mechanisms to do good, to do anything at all. suddenly i want to hang the worlds in my mind from strings, suspended like grapes in jello...okay poor illusion. just imagine all your inspirations and dreams hung from strings from the ceiling, filling your space with positive thoughts and creating an inspiring environment to create dreams in.

hundreds of specs

when i was little i used to hate being sick, it meant being alone in my room feeling bored and wasting the day. i feel the same way now, sickness feels like laziness to me. I really do think that i think the same way i did when i was little about a lot of things. i still feel like an outsider, i still put myself on the outside by living in little dream worlds in my head- oblivious to the people around me and the things that i should be doing. blah blah blah blah blah