hot water (22/01/2010)

as i showered today i felt beautiful.
i was in appreciation of every part of my body.
the daylight flowed through the window, left open, and as the light reflected yellow causing my skin to glow i felt it. I tilted my head back and let the luke-warm water run down my body, like a caress. i felt like one with myself for the first time in a long while. i had to stop myself to remember that i was showering and i shouldnt waste so much water.

I washed my hair with the last bit of shampoo but did not allow myself to feel the anxiety i might normally feel about being the one to finish the bottle and continued.

as i shaved my legs i remembered several times in my life.
the act of shaving my legs at all reminded me of the very first time that i was allowed to. the way my grandmother told my mom that it was about time that i was allowed, i was sitting in the middle seat of the wagon with my feet sitting on the center console, i stared at the forest of blonde hair on my legs that were tan in contrast with the pale blue stretch shorts. i felt embarrassed by them then, the fact that my grandma felt the need to mention their hairy nature.

as the razor passed over the bruises on my shins i remembered the first time i felt responsible for something bad happening to another person. when i was about 5 m sister and i were at my dads apartment waiting to go to school. i remember that she was in fourth grade or so because her backpack was so heavy. she was doing as she continued to do in our lives and was helping to get me ready-tying my shoes under the kitchen table. i already knew how to tie them, but i let her because i liked it better when she did it. as she sat fixing my shoes i tied her laces together, she ma have also tied mine together at this point but i cannot remember. it was then that my dad came into the room, angry because he was running late probably, angry that we were playing. As my sister got up in a rush she must have forgotten about her laces and she fell. this made him even angrier, he yelled louder and i cant remember what he was saying just the volume and the red of his face as he yelled louder and louder. he threw her back pack at her, and it hit her with a thud. i just sat there under the table crying, scared of it all. i didn't do anything, i just sat there. I think that this is the day that my sister went to the principal and told him what happened, and when they asked me i lied because i thought i would be in trouble for making him mad, for not helping her. they knew that i lied, but they thought i was protecting him. i never corrected them.

then i turned off the water and wiped the walls down, exiting the shower as i had gone in-feeling a little dirty.