this might make no sense.

the light seeping in through the blinds in the morning wakes me slowly, and yet i feel that my sleep has been interrupted in the most horrible of ways.

lately the middle of the day has been filled with heartache, the type that can only go away when the wind is in your face, the air in your lungs moving too fast, your mouth is out of breath.

i have loved twice, maybe three times, in this life so far. And only one of these loves ended poorly, the youth in our hearts was too much perhaps and it pushed us away. I had been searching for proof in the blue pools of his eyes, but i never was able to quite pin down what it was that i found in the speckled white lying just outside.  the ending of the relationship, my first love, was the hardest and the most beneficial event that i have ever encountered in the relationship realm. At first, i was scared and quickly found another person to warm the apples of my cheeks, to love (even if it was only surface love, the type that is fast, passionate and strong-leaving only a smudge on your soul, nothing too painful to bear in the end.)  Then i ran across the world, and found a companion that was true and great, a boy who lived too far in the end and we resigned our souls to be only the closest of friends. Our time together spent sharing kisses in the foreign streets and jumping from vineyard walls in small mountain towns, arguing over the meaning of words, train rides to the sea, rainy treks on the autostrade, and reveling in our respective genius' of field.  I haven't found anything comparable to these relationships this year, there were wonderful people in my life, don't get me wrong(especially a special friend of the family who made my world spin for a matter of time before life came in to complicate it all and i wept until the steel rod that held my little universe was rusted and i was too lazy to buy some wd40 to fix it).

yesterday as i pushed the pain from the muscles in my legs, and caught myself out of breath on the street corner approaching a red light i caught sight of who may have been that first love. he looked the same, tall and slender,  a cap on his head and a dimple on his pale chin. he was just a person on the street, and it was all the same to me, though i would have liked to wave and say hello... i knew this was not the way he wants things, because one time a few years ago we broke each others hearts and now it's hard to look at us the same. our eyes are cloudy with the judgements of pains past. i know i made a lot of mistakes, but i was only 18,19. I was a babe, too young to know what to feel- to know what to do. I am sorry, and i hope someday that my first love can forgive my mistakes as well as his, and we can pass on the street with a wave and a hello. when i came home the tears streamed down my face and i wished that my friends were in this town to wipe my cheeks and tell me that life gets better, people forgive and grow, that happiness finds those who do good and that love is something we must have for ourselves before we can receive it from others.

I have amazing friends.