thoughts that wake you in the night

you make me feel so good(i love you so much) i cannot bear it when you are gone(i miss you too much: your touch, your mind, your voice).

i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead.

i wish my outsides matched my insides.
i cannot focus. and i have my exams this week. i dont know how i will even get out of bed to do this.
everywhere i go all i see is you. i cannot even listen to music all it does is remind me of you, every song...even songs you've never heard.
i have been crying so much i had to take my nose ring out and now it has healed.


(last night i had a dream that seemed so real that i thought i could touch it. we were on a bus, an ipod headphone in each ear listening to every song we've ever loved. you had your hand on my knee and then you kissed my nose and said you missed me. when i woke up this morning there was blood on my pillow, i had gotten a bloody nose in the night.)

when things arent easy i promised myself i would go on, how else could i ever know what i was capable of... but right now i feel like digging a hole and laying in it. some wet soil and worms as my friends. because

everytime i close my eyes i see you, and i open them.
everytime i take a breathe i can feel the emptiness inside myself, so i've been holding my breath.
everytime i take a drink i wonder why i am not numb yet, so i take another.
everytime i dance i wonder where my rhythm went, so i dance faster.
everytime i draw i wonder where these shaky hands came from, and so i write.
everytime i shower i try and scrub this itch from my skin, but it is still there and it wont leave me alone.
everytime i check my email, afraid of what i wont find.

i am afraid that when i go see the Gregorian Chanters at Santa Croce in a few minutes i will break down because all i will think about is how you would have loved it.


i hate being alive. i hate being here. i hate everything.

who thought up the word fair, the concept behind it. nothing is ever fair. people arent fair. people are greedy and selfish. they want it all for themselves and dont know how to give. people are spineless and afraid, i wish i wasnt a person. i wish i was water.






































underwater.underground. under__________.

i didnt go to class today.
i feel like my insides are shaking all the time.
i am trying to be strong. i am trying to seem strong. i am trying to do the right thing.


all i can do is try,
i hope you are at the ocean. i hope the waves are crashing on you and that you feel good. i hope that you are happy.

i wish you would talk to me. i know it hurts, but you cannot imagine the pain you are causing me by ignoring me like you said you wouldnt, like you promised you wouldnt.

the end

to miss:to regret the absence or loss of.

what makes us miss somebody?
can we miss a person that means nothing to us?
does the more a person means to us increase the amount that we miss them?


am i worth it?
were you worth it?

loss:the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had; failure to make good use of something; failure to preserve or maintain.

how come i am never worth it. i am always missed a little too late. i hope i find somebody who thinks i am worth something-something they are willing to fight for, willing to wait for, willing to miss. i hope that i find somebody who isnt always a little too late in missing me, in realizing my worth. i hope that God stops testing my "strength" soon, cause i don't feel very strong.

dear daniel.

i miss your laughter. i miss the tiny hairs on your nose and tear ducts. i miss the stubble on your chin. i miss the smell of your skin. i miss the curve of your palms around mine. i miss the depths of your eyes. i miss the whistling from the bathroom. i miss visiting you at school. i miss riding bikes with you. i miss matching. i miss the smell of your breath in the morning. i miss your face when you want a kiss. i miss kissing you. i miss touching your face, your lips. i miss the fuzz on your earlobes. i miss driving places with you. i miss going to the beach with you. i miss waking up and seeing you next to me. i miss washing your back. i miss running my fingers through your hair. i miss laying on my bed for hours doing nothing. i miss dancing with you. i miss doing our homework together. i miss the sound of your voice. i miss feeding you. i miss forgetting to eat because we re having too much fun. i miss touching you. i miss being touched by you. i miss falling asleep during movies with you. i miss losing myself in the sound of your voice. i miss time alone with you. i miss your socks in my hamper. i miss wearing your dirty shirts. i miss taking the train. i miss mmissing the train/station because we are preoccupied with eachother. i miss conversations with you. i miss taking your picutre. i miss piggy back rides. i miss sour candy. i miss the smile you get when you tell me you love me. i miss the way you hugged me. i miss how romantic you are. i miss your ambition. i miss the way you make everything okay with a smile. i miss comparing our feet. i miss pushing you around. i miss falling asleep our bodies tangled arms and legs. i miss the skin on your hips. i miss playing with your body hair. i miss putting my head in your armpit. i miss kissing you behind the ears. i miss sitting on you. i miss tickling you. i miss hearing about your classes. i miss seeing you ever. i miss you.

i miss you.


so much, i wish i was home.
iwishiwashomeieishiwashomeiwishiwashome.