there is a cantaloupe in the outside fridge, i put it there.

i fell asleep late, i woke up early.

i can't take one more night of this. naps in the afternoon. i don't want to eat anything much right now. it's hard to be honest about these things, but i think i am done. i can't handle it anymore.

i am lonely, sad, and tired. but mostly i am lonely.

no amount of jelly shoes will make me less lonely.

i shaved my legs yesterday and i told myself it was for me, but truth is i was dying for someone-anyone-to touch them, because they're lonely too. 

if gas wasnt so damn expensive i would go for a long drive.

jelliess

so my mom and i went shopping for a dress for davids wedding at  the outlet mall. we went to the BCBG outlet, and i dont think that i have ever worn a nicer piece of clothing that was something i was allowed to keep. everything was also so cheap, for designer at least.

i couldnt find a picture of the dress online, but it is like a grown-up version of the yellow dress i wore to my parents wedding. i love it, i feel like me in it...which is nice since i have been feeling so out of sorts as of late. 

i did however find a photo of the jelly shoes that i have now added to my jelly shoe collection...and they were only $14, which is less than i a paid for m red ones, which arent as nice or as awesome. please comment and tell me how awesome they are. also awesome is that my feet are now even smaller...down to a womens five...and that is a little big even but i refuse to go down another size... i thought your feet were supposed to get bigger as you got older, not smaller.

snake charming

i have so much time, but no time to do the things i want.

i had told myself that i was going to spend my time at the beach and creating things. instead i have spent m time writing in a tiny notebook, or staring at blank pages and pretending there was something worth viewing or writing inside of me.  

i have been spending as much time with my grandma as i can, and the drive has become long and irritating. i hate driving. i hate driving to watch somebody i love die. i hate that i hate driving to watch her die. 

i once tried to imagine life if she was dead, or how it would feel when she was dying... and i couldnt.i had been through the other deaths, but  i was not as close to them as i am to her...she was the one to watch me grow, she was the one whose diaper i changed and whose lipstick i fished out of the toilet laughing the whole time. she IS the one i love the most, and it hurts to let her go. I laid with her in the hospital bed they brought her, and i listened to her heart beating and i couldnt imagine that it would ever stop. i think that once she is gone her heart will keep beating, batteries propelling the thumping sound inside her chest. an ivory casket with pink velvet, she will look beautiful, but i think the inside should be blue...that was her favorite color. i cant wait to hold her hand tomorrow and tell her how much i love her again. every time it is new to her, so every time it is the truth.

next week i will work on something for me, i will start this next project. i will do it. i have to.

i feel like with you time is not an issue. we countdown days but in the end we know it doesn't matter. every time we talk its like we are touching, our smiling lips are kissing and our arms that pull our bodies close are there, warm and forgiving of the time that's passed. time has left our souls untouched and true, only the time of the sun has changed our skin and the pictures that our eyes have seen have simply brought more color to them. so now when  i gaze into the dark pools-flesh before me- i know what is in my future. you hold my answers somewhere inside you there. when you look at me i can feel you hold me, and i can feel you here.

i am a broken record

playing the same lines

again and again

saying the same lines

to you as i said to him

i love you

i love you until tomorrow,

until tomorrow,

but only you have questioned

the duration of a day.

time was something 

he never understood,

he'd never understood

what it meant to feel this...

letting time just melt away.

a lot of rhyming but give me a break i am all drugged up and tired from surgery!

Last night at the party i slyly changed the pandora to play talking heads radio station. the first song that came up was your favorite. i looked at tara and she was smiling at me  and i was smiling too, so big my cheeks hurt. it was like you were there...even though you were asleep.

i love you. 

yesterday,today,tonight, and until everyday's  tomorrow.

old lady. i love you so much, it's hard to watch you go

take a deep breath, you'll be fine doing this on your own.

summer days are stretching out so long, i wont last like this. 

4 hours of sleep a night, and barely any fun to speak of.

i spent a day with people, but i still felt alone.

i climbed rocks and imagined my fingers on the horizon, i imagined my hands in the dirt on the other side of the window. i imagined that you were there and i was happy in the sand.

the chlorine burned my eyes

this pressure keeps building up

my fingers fly in meaningless motion

and my mind goes flat

when i speak my voice

is weak and cracks

my breath is short and 

my beats are quick and close

quick and close

quick and close

i just remembered that the other side of the ocean is really far away.

photos from tuesday at my aunt terri's house PS i love film<3 thank you danny for showing me how to use that camera!

i am watching reruns of old cartoons right now. i haven't watched a cartoon in so long. it feels good. i think that i will go to the beach today OR work on m bike in the backyard clad in a swim suit. I think that is a good idea.

yesterday was aly's birthday. we had a pretty good day, but i realized how much  i hate driving...sometimes i don't mind it but i think that deep down i really hate driving. We went to the DMV to renew her license and then to Venice. We got sunglasses at a store (aly's are fuchsia heart shaped ones, and mine are light pink ray ban style). Then we got aly's nose pierced, she was almost more scared than i had been...it didn't help that we watched this other girl get it done and she bled like nuts because she had had a few drinks. Then we got henna. hahaha. aly got a banner with JONES written in it across her chest with little roses, and i got an anchor on my finger. The weirdest thing ever, we ran into molly, audrey, and mike there! As we arrived they were leaving though so we didn't really get to hang out. After Venice we went to Cho Cho San, it took alnost 2 hours to get there but it was fun and pretty good... i was so tired when we got back that i wanted to go to sleep but i had an awful stomach ache and the itch to talk to danny, so i stayed up a little later than my body wanted. and i didn't really get to talk to danny.

in a little while i will start the day, going to be a long day.

a day for a while

i am sitting here watching flight with my sister, and life feels good-things are okay.  Tomorrow is aly's birthday, man i  dont remember so man of her birthdays...what have i missed? i don't know, but i am currently happy. in this moment i feel good. 

I cannot express how much i miss you. i miss your voice when you talk about something anything everything. I wish that your dream was true, go take flying lessons, see you in the morning - smiley face here-

ps.. everyone would be jealous of the schedule i put together for my desserts from around the world class...they are going to be so so so so good... chocolate banana empanadas, cannoli, puerto rican mango pudding, fruit tarts, kugle, and a do it yourself bread pudding. going to be awesome!

yay

guilty pleasures

everyone has them, these are mine:

justin timberlake music

law & order

farting in public

peeling things

smelling my feet

putting things up my nose

chick-flicks

eavesdropping

looking through peoples things (esp. purses or backpacks, glove boxes)

laying in bed all day doing nothing

using the restroom with the door open

smelling sharpies

wiping things on my pants

playing tricks on DLR

burping loudly

listening to KIIS FM late at night while driving

stealing little things

people watching

making lists

writing one-liners

EDIT: 6-21-08

opening cans of pop and not taking one sip

writing letters that will never be sent

making plans i do not intend to keep

little white lies about little white things

eating at midnight

sitting in my closet with the doors closed

drawing on the undersides of tables

taking pills, namely chewable things

brushing my teeth too long

biting people

dancing alone, sometimes to only the music in my head

everything feels bad.

i just went on a date with my mom, we had a nice time.

we saw sex and the city, it was pretty good.

at the end of the movie, i thought to myself wow those are some beautiful women. i hope that when i am older i am beautiful like that.

when we got home i showed her all of the pictures from your trip. she talked about how pretty the girls are. she is right they are pretty- pretty like the women in the movie.

i know you think i am pretty too, but i am pretty like girls are pretty once you get to know them, not picture pretty. not the kind of pretty that other women wish they were, not movie pretty

i've been looking at the moon, and suddenly across the ocean doesn't seem so far away.

sometimes you get lonely, and you eat and eat and eat trying to fill the void.

let me tell you, my ass is getting fat.

in a month i will be the michelin man. oh well, imagine in a year i will be like jabba.

no amount of time riding the bike is helping my fat ass, because it just makes me hungry!

things that make me smile

i just fell asleep after work pretending i was sleeping next to you, an i woke up to your favorite song playing on my computer. this made me smile, and i thought to myself, "what does make me smile?"

things that make me smile:

DLR

drawing

writing: journals poetry letters

riding a bicycle 

free things

getting messy

being with good friends like molly mark tako tara and scott

talking to my sister on the telephone

hugging my mom

going to the movies

shaving my legs, rare as it does occur i sort of like it

dancing

new clothes especially tee shirts, underwear, socks, and shoes

getting letters in the mail, not bills

driving with the windows down

laying in the sand and falling asleep

the ocean

laying in the grass

making things in general, learning to build new things, new concepts

babies

a good telephone conversation

mark danko in general

jello:blue

puppies and kittens oh my

God

99cent stores

a new toothbrush

getting a good deal

finding money in my pocket or purse that i didnt know was there

tricking people, mostly DLR

gerber daisies in BRIGHT colors

clean sheets

the smell of flowers in the wind

funny little things(ie:toys)

winning things

old people doing yoga or playing basketball

white nectarines

fresh figs

the smell of paint, especially white windsor newton gouache

DLR's  favorite song

calling you DLR, using abbreviations in general

laying down naked with the fan on after a shower

being home alone in the morning

sparkling lemonade

new shampoo or soap

being noticed/remembered

being trusted

honesty

guitar hero, played all wrong of course

watching mario cart tournaments at Velascos

giving advice to a friend in need

kissing DLR

imaginations 

left behind

there are no more feathers in my hair.

i wish i had a pack of sour patch kids.

sometimes i just get so down without your arms to pull me up.