hot water (22/01/2010)

as i showered today i felt beautiful.
i was in appreciation of every part of my body.
the daylight flowed through the window, left open, and as the light reflected yellow causing my skin to glow i felt it. I tilted my head back and let the luke-warm water run down my body, like a caress. i felt like one with myself for the first time in a long while. i had to stop myself to remember that i was showering and i shouldnt waste so much water.

I washed my hair with the last bit of shampoo but did not allow myself to feel the anxiety i might normally feel about being the one to finish the bottle and continued.

as i shaved my legs i remembered several times in my life.
the act of shaving my legs at all reminded me of the very first time that i was allowed to. the way my grandmother told my mom that it was about time that i was allowed, i was sitting in the middle seat of the wagon with my feet sitting on the center console, i stared at the forest of blonde hair on my legs that were tan in contrast with the pale blue stretch shorts. i felt embarrassed by them then, the fact that my grandma felt the need to mention their hairy nature.

as the razor passed over the bruises on my shins i remembered the first time i felt responsible for something bad happening to another person. when i was about 5 m sister and i were at my dads apartment waiting to go to school. i remember that she was in fourth grade or so because her backpack was so heavy. she was doing as she continued to do in our lives and was helping to get me ready-tying my shoes under the kitchen table. i already knew how to tie them, but i let her because i liked it better when she did it. as she sat fixing my shoes i tied her laces together, she ma have also tied mine together at this point but i cannot remember. it was then that my dad came into the room, angry because he was running late probably, angry that we were playing. As my sister got up in a rush she must have forgotten about her laces and she fell. this made him even angrier, he yelled louder and i cant remember what he was saying just the volume and the red of his face as he yelled louder and louder. he threw her back pack at her, and it hit her with a thud. i just sat there under the table crying, scared of it all. i didn't do anything, i just sat there. I think that this is the day that my sister went to the principal and told him what happened, and when they asked me i lied because i thought i would be in trouble for making him mad, for not helping her. they knew that i lied, but they thought i was protecting him. i never corrected them.

then i turned off the water and wiped the walls down, exiting the shower as i had gone in-feeling a little dirty.

(22/01/2010)

I wanted to keep you selfishly in the corners of my mind as mine.
I wanted your heart and your eyes to become paralyzed in the passing of time.
I wanted you to never love again, and always be left with the remnants of marking that made you mine.
I wanted to be yours forever, I wanted to take refuge in the soft of your skin until the nothingness was there again.
I wanted to laugh with you until our faces were red in the bluest of lights.

I wanted to be yours.

things i hate about the ocean (22/01/2010)

i hate wasted conversations
the time it takes to say goodbye not waited.

i hate sand in my bed
spending hours cleaning it from the crevices in my car.

i hate feeling disappointed
i hate everything about this so far.

infatuation inspiration

richard wentworth "untitled" 2009 in main pavilion at venice biennale 2009

cornelia parker "edge of england"

irina korina for russian pavilion at venice biennale 2009

sometimes the people you least expected are the ones you cannot stop thinking about, the ones who inspire the smile on your face and the movement of the minds mechanisms to do good, to do anything at all. suddenly i want to hang the worlds in my mind from strings, suspended like grapes in jello...okay poor illusion. just imagine all your inspirations and dreams hung from strings from the ceiling, filling your space with positive thoughts and creating an inspiring environment to create dreams in.

hundreds of specs

when i was little i used to hate being sick, it meant being alone in my room feeling bored and wasting the day. i feel the same way now, sickness feels like laziness to me. I really do think that i think the same way i did when i was little about a lot of things. i still feel like an outsider, i still put myself on the outside by living in little dream worlds in my head- oblivious to the people around me and the things that i should be doing. blah blah blah blah blah