suddenly down, i don't know why i always let go too soon and then struggle to catch on to some kite tails hoping to be swept off my feet.

girl, your expectations are too high.
if i can figure out how to juggle all these tiny emotional outburts, maybe i wont let you slip away.

holes

life is a series of holes on a plane. some holes are really big and dangerous and they have to be slowly walked around to avoid falling into the abyss, it is usually an option to jump into these holes when searching for adventure- but adventuring can be a serious business. i am realizing that these holes that block my path are sometimes fillable, and so i fill them with land from the plane and they are no longer a problem for me... but by filling my hole i create a new hole in this plane. this new hole either must be filled by myself at some point in time, or will be left to block the path of another...who may fill or go around it. so essentially we spend our time wandering a plane full of holes, sometimes jumping in, sometimes going around with attention, and sometimes filling them with land; but we are always interacting with the holes that others leave on the plane and are constantly leaving holes for others to interact with. fuck its just a bunch of holes.

10-28-09

lately i wonder where all my words have gone- the endless drawls of thoughts that used to plague me like white noise. unusually dull thoughts have been coming to mind, perhaps i am trying too hard to find interest in my own mind. lately though, i haven't even been able to escape in books, i have trouble becoming engaged, suddenly difficult to impress or intrigue. I don't like this new stage at all. Not to mention i feel my ideas are weak in nature, that i plated my aces too soon. Him fearing i would go limp in my art once i was accepted into the program, and now i fear i already have. so uninspired-so uninspiring. did i feel this way when i was in Italy? I think that it also began this way, last fall. The trouble is that i really am feeling it here...is is HOPELESSNESS.