i don't know about time, i can't read binary codes, and i don't know how things work or why the sky is blue.
i didn't know that it gets warmer when it rains, i don't know much.

suddenly down, i don't know why i always let go too soon and then struggle to catch on to some kite tails hoping to be swept off my feet.

girl, your expectations are too high.
if i can figure out how to juggle all these tiny emotional outburts, maybe i wont let you slip away.

holes

life is a series of holes on a plane. some holes are really big and dangerous and they have to be slowly walked around to avoid falling into the abyss, it is usually an option to jump into these holes when searching for adventure- but adventuring can be a serious business. i am realizing that these holes that block my path are sometimes fillable, and so i fill them with land from the plane and they are no longer a problem for me... but by filling my hole i create a new hole in this plane. this new hole either must be filled by myself at some point in time, or will be left to block the path of another...who may fill or go around it. so essentially we spend our time wandering a plane full of holes, sometimes jumping in, sometimes going around with attention, and sometimes filling them with land; but we are always interacting with the holes that others leave on the plane and are constantly leaving holes for others to interact with. fuck its just a bunch of holes.

10-28-09

lately i wonder where all my words have gone- the endless drawls of thoughts that used to plague me like white noise. unusually dull thoughts have been coming to mind, perhaps i am trying too hard to find interest in my own mind. lately though, i haven't even been able to escape in books, i have trouble becoming engaged, suddenly difficult to impress or intrigue. I don't like this new stage at all. Not to mention i feel my ideas are weak in nature, that i plated my aces too soon. Him fearing i would go limp in my art once i was accepted into the program, and now i fear i already have. so uninspired-so uninspiring. did i feel this way when i was in Italy? I think that it also began this way, last fall. The trouble is that i really am feeling it here...is is HOPELESSNESS.

excerpts from a trip away from home

21-06-09
i am one headache away from exploding and one dream away from comatose, let me dream some more of ideas and future- the intricacies of the spaces in my mind. the dark hidden holes waiting in slumber to be awakened from their dormant, lifeless, eternal state of hibernation.

21-06-09(in treno per Praha)
i keep finding myself caught in the same monotonous thoughts of home-of him. i keep reminding myself of the pointlessness in it, but i cannot seem to quit the wandering of my mind. i love being alone, but i want (need) so badly to be told (reminded) that somebody thinks i am beautiful. the more time passes, the less i see it when i look in the mirror, my reflection. i spend moments in front of it, looking, trying to find it, and yet more often than not i cannot. i still harbor the childish dream of wishing i was beautiful...

23-06-09
NOTHING. my favorite thing to do is nothing. i love to sit and do nothing for hours- not writing, not readng, not drawing, but nothing. just my idle mind and me together in the space of time accomplishing so much through nothing. i used to spend hours with him doing nothing- just sitting so content in our nothingness doing. we didn't feel like we were missing out, because after hours of nothing we would do hours of something. some people call it lazy, but it doesn't feel the same as lazy. i like to go places o do nothing too, like parks and beaches. i hate being places where i feel compelled to constantly go and occupy my time with something- i find it stressful and unfair, this expectation to always be doing something. i feel that i get more out of nothing than i do out of something sometimes. i hope to ind somebody else that i can do nothing with again, because doing nothing can sometimes be just as lonely as doing something. i think that this desire to do nothing is why i do drugs, they give me the perfect excuse to do nothing and say it is something- even nothing can be something.

28-06-09
so often i wonder if you are thinking of me when i am thinking of you. i can still recall the smell of her lotion in the car, always putting it on right before she drove, the smell of her lipstick even- the same smell of all lipstick, but it makes me think of her.i wonder because i never hear from you, do you say you miss me because i miss you? do you love and miss one out of obligation, or do you really?

28-06-09
speechless. warm and sleepy breathes hit the page like dewdrops. tine wet pockmarks on the pages lines- the only words written, only traces left behind.

5-7-09 (high in topanga canyon at a mexican restaurant)
everything-
it is evident to me that every single nice bathroom has had the same distinct smell, it smells expensive. expensive and delightful- a smell that is instantly comforting and relaxing. "Sure, go ahead USE ME! Use me for ALL i am worth! use me while you can!" all of these bathrooms are single cell, private restrooms. this may be the most important factor:privacy.

clothing-
clothing tells a lot about a persons lifestyle- how they are. I've always been drawn to costume or themed clothing. Maybe i am not sure of who i am united, i only am aware of all my divisions- unaware completely of my true self and not just how i desire to be. scary...

08-7-09(after a party)
it hit me like a firecracker. i sat there small and unaware of the lit fuse lying beneath the doorjam. when i saw him through the window, my heart stopped and for a second i didn't want to go in.

8-09-09
i always tell my friends i love them, but it seems a bit premature. how much love is there really?

18-09-09
my social skin is abrupted by tiny abrasions- void of deep cuts that will scar, just small nuances of disturbations( rubs from grains of salt or sand, rough sediment left to gather and be blown off in the wind)

8-10-09
in succession all the tiny events of our lives seem meaningless and benign. However, if one were to take the time to dissect one or two past events, by years or moments, then meaning could be found and the keys to all things present would be deciphered. Time is merely a puzzle that we may never understand, and most will never attempt to...

8-10-09
the realization of friends.
the realization of no friends.
the realization of fake friends.
the realization of gone friends.
the realization of not wanting friends.
the realization of loneliness.
the realization of self.


8-10-09

How to initiate superficial conversations:






(BLANK PAGE)

familiar spaces

there are those moments in life when suddenly you realize that you are truly and utterly happy. they may be fleeting and erroneous moments later, when the sensation of normality creeps back over your skin like cream. 

as i sat at the light of reino and lynn, it hit me: i was smiling and it was the most genuine smile that had ever graced my face. the heat of the sun on my cheeks the burning of my ass against the car seat the music on the cd player, they were the factors in this sudden and extreme joy and comfort.

maybe it was pointless to share, but it feels important to me. 

talk about it.

I am not happy right now, rub it in my face.

sometimes talking about the bad things that happened in my life doesn't make me feel any stronger.

sometimes it just makes me feel like I did when they happened: small and insignificant 

2009

5-4-2009

---------------------------

plain, puffy, and slightly sad

my face stares back at me 

my reflection startles me

and i do not know who i am inside

at this moment in time i am lost

lost somewhere between my mind

and my thoughts

my words and my actions

my feelings and the truth.

i could run forever and never know

if i was strong enough to go the distances

that i have sowed here

in the earth.

----------------------------

31-1-2009

----------------------------

i like the feeling of my feet on the ground,
my heart skipping beats when it
comes to take off.
breathe in deep-
a hole in the garden-
feeling the air seeping in;
it fills you with a cool surrendering
that once noticed- lingers;
for but a moment,
leaving you with nothing but your feet
planted firmly on the ground.
-----------------------------
18-3-2009
-----------------------------
the sudden falling moment
heavy in the air;
you cannot wait for another-
with weight shifting onward.
-----------------------------
20-3-2009
-----------------------------
the travelers passing
bring the coolness of
the days air,
it stings the skin, fresh.
gently rising in the
violent fashion of
the perfect moment of
a symphony-
archaic and true.
----------------------------
20-3-2009
----------------------------
i am the owner of
red puffy fingers,moving slowly in the trains light;
early daylight.
my bloody fingers grasp at
the stagnant air-the dry
stagnant air of the car,
burning the nasal passages
as it passes into the whole of
my body- burning itself, dully, into me-
sitting here, searching,
red puffy-bloody fingers.
----------------------------
20-3-2009
----------------------------
Feverfew,
you calm the
intricate folds on
fingers; held flat to
the pages of the
Daily News-
your sweet breath;
anxiously searches
the morning sky for-
for some stranger of
time, to put
your trembling body
to resting with
the sands
----------------------------
31-3-2009
----------------------------
cover me with
your gaze,
look upon these
peasantries,
and judge them
as with me.
----------------------------
3-4-2009
----------------------------
the air moves stale in
a tepid room,
seats tremor under
the weight of minds that
stay within them.
the rumors shake the
walls, small drums
passing contraband
onto the tongues-waiting
behind teeth,
waiting and expecting something
more.
---------------------------
3-4-2009
---------------------------
large hands-
i've always wanted
large hands,
mine are small-
childlike and clumsy.

An Innocent Question:

Today somebody asked me an innocent question, they asked me:
'If you could have any 5 things at this very moment, what would they be?'

My answers (not in any particular order):
1- a fresh crispy cucumber with ranch dressing
2- not whatever i am sick with
3- a kiss
4- a hug from my mom
5- pizza


What can i say, i am a simple person.
What 5 things would you want, if you could have any 5 things in this very moment?

what is your name, where are you from

I keep finding myself with my toes in cold waters,

places i have yet to explore. 

It is as though i am trying to find my way out of a dark room,

all perception is lost

and i become more panicked with each step.

I jump in puddles to make me smile

when the sky is the dreary shades of grey

that it has conjured for the last few months.

I wish i could say i wasn't afraid to be alive,

but the truth is that everyday i find myself in greater doubt of

the person i am, the person i am becoming, and the life

that i am supposedly living.

so please, help me:

teach me to skip stones on a February morning.

I've been waiting so long

with my toes directly behind

the chalked white line,

and my mind is wondering just

when the sound of the whistle will blow.

I've kept my eyes shut tight and  haven't

peeked from under the folds

of your skin 

that've  denied me.

<3

I have been so totally and utterly in love with Royksopp lately. These Norwegian men really have got me...

This video is an amazing collaboration that they did with Karin of Swedish group The Knife, who we all know and love right?

okay maybe only i REALLY love The Knife, but whatever...

Also this group The Ting Tings is ALWAYS on here, and this video is pretty cool and this song gets stuck in my head sometimes, even though i kind of wish it didn't. i cannot remember if i heard it in the states... but maybe i did.... They disabled the embedding so HERE IS A LINK