one day after another

i am afraid to go outside, i might get by a car.

the day started out okay, i got up a little late.okay a lot late but it did not phase me much i just brushed my teeth and headed out. I realized it was going poorly when i sat on the wet bench to wait for the shuttle... after merely missing one(aka i watched it drive away as i approached). i thought things might go okay because i got an A on my sculpture. But then that class ran over and i was late to Italian where i then failed miserably at an exam which i did not finish because i was late to geology where i had an exam as well. When i got the exam i first noticed that it was only 30 questions. I hate short exams,  not to mention i had no clue what the answer was for the first like 5 questions or the first essay questions. I thought fuck it and did my best. As i went to turn in my test I tripped while going down the stairs and fell flat on my face in front of the entire class. I laid there for a moment mortified and turned in my exam.

i have a horrid headache which i am going to attribute to the following:

i havent eaten all day until now and i just ate p and j on some stale crackers.

my infected molar is really hurting me and could possibly be making me have the fever i currently am dawning like a hot mess.

i am exhausted.

there are bikes and shit a over my room and i feel like i cant move,  i am also just agitated over all. i would go ride my bike but my freakin crotch hurts so bad from hitting it on danny's bike- underwear currently feel like an inconvenience. 

all in all, i wish i were home with you, you would make me strawberry jello and tell me its okay and then we'd watch a movie with rex and you'd make my head feel better and maybe even make me tea and toast like when i was a little gab. aly would be there too, but that is in a perfect world. 

complain complain complain

i missed dinner, so hungry all i have is crakcers and peanut butter and one apple, but that is for tomorrow. i would eat the cheese but i am out of lactaid.

so tired. so much more to read.


i am really awful at italian, i feel like a failure. i can't remember the correct conjugations- i keep making everything french. i am so frustrated i actually cried a little. yep tearing up a bit now.

how can i ever go to the country for a year if i sound like an idiot when i speak. i am embarrassed to let anyone hear me i sound so stupid.


it might just be hungry/tired gab talking. but i could really use a hug right now. really really.

Kitsch /kɪtʃ/ is a term of German or Yiddish origin that has been used to categorize art that is considered an inferior, tasteless copy of an existing style. The term is also used more loosely in referring to any art that is pretentious to the point of being in bad taste, and also commercially produced items that are considered trite or crass.
Because the word was brought into use as a response to a large amount of art in the 19th century where the aesthetic of art work was associated with a sense of exaggeratedsentimentality or melodrama, kitsch is most closely associated with art that is sentimental; however, it can be used to refer to any type of art that is deficient for similar reasons—whether it tries to appear sentimental, glamorous, theatrical, or creative, kitsch is said to be a gesture imitative of the superficial appearances of art. It is often said that kitsch relies on merely repeating convention and formula, lacking the sense of creativity and originality displayed in genuine art.


i don't see how calling somebody's art kitsch could ever be seen as positive. That pretentious sculpture asshole. Now i am worried that i dont want to be in the program, what if they are all like that. Oh you're beginning well then, your work is so kitsch, my work is is original. isn't that more kitsch than mine, thinking your work is soooo great? i am so not over this, because it has to do with my art, i am deeply wounded by the comment.

you

it's the resin, the resin is what is making my stomach feel so sick.


the dorm food doesnt help though.

AGH

today is going to be very very very very nice.

nappy pappy

i took a really long nap, but now i want another one.

i think i will take one until manda gets here to help me go palate hunting and make my piece...i want her to get her anger out on it...i think that will work wonders for it.

yesh. i am that cool on a thursday party night. UCK IT. ha!





EDIT: dining hall food is making my tummy feel like i just ate jack in the box. (in other words it is not agreeable, i have never felt so sick all the time in my LYFE>!)


so tired, so delirious
so sorry

aerie

really shitty pictures sorry.

statement:
g. Roth
Beginning Sculpture
Mason Cooley
Feb 21 2008
Project 1
aerie

I have titled this piece aerie. Aerie means home, to me this piece is about that sense of home that one feels when encompassed by a space. When I am home I sense a feeling of warmth that surrounds me immediately upon entrance. A sense of safety through the utilization of a shelter of some form is one of the primary needs that must be met by all living creatures in order to progress further in life. Because of this primal need all animals make a shelter where they can seek refuge from enemies, rest, and raise offspring in. For this piece I aimed to create a space that could embody the sensation that I feel when I return to the space that I regard as home. For me my home is my mother, wherever she is I feel safe and I know that I can seek comfort in her company. I believe that this association of my mother and home is part of my primal nature and is therefore common between myself and animals. Mammals spend the first months of their lives living within their mother in a biological shelter that is suited only for themselves. The sense of the womb is something that drove this piece for me, I wanted to create a piece that would close around the person who entered into it and would fit each person differently.

Initially I wanted this piece to feel like home in the sense that one would regard home as the place of personal space. I wanted to use a myriad of materials to imply something similar to the nest of a bird, made of found materials that represent the area where the bird lives out their life. However, soon after I began the project my mother became ill and I realized that my sense of home is directly tied to her, not to where I make my personal space. For my initial piece I wanted to display the work vertically and have people enter it through an entrance that was in the front. I planned on having an area where the person inside could look up and see different light sources as though they where in a cave. The exterior was to look much like a mud nest, but created from cardboard. While working on a wire armature for the piece I placed the structure horizontally on the ground and was taken by the different effect that the piece had on me. This change of direction ended up changing the entire aesthetic plan for the piece. I decided to use the cardboard to paper mache the armature instead of weaving strips through and to use ropes to displace the weight of the piece and hang it from a beam instead of using resin-coated rope to support the weight of the piece. As I worked the new piece I did a large portion of the paper mache and inner bubble-wrap surface from within the piece, when possible, because I felt that this was important in the creation of the piece in the three-dimensional.

Upon completion I had used more materials than I had originally planned in my cardboard only plan. I still used the cardboard in my piece, however I deconstructed the layers of cardboard from boxes that I found in various dumpsters instead of stacking it and cutting it like a topographical map. I used these deconstructed layers to paper mache the form that I had constructed from chicken wire. Before completion of the paper mache process I weaved some medium-strength natural rope through the wire to create a network or vein system-something that would connect the interior of the piece to the outside world. The piece was still very fragile at this point so I decided to coat the paper mache with a resin in hopes of the piece gaining structural strength. I was very indecisive about how I would treat the interior of the piece. Initially I wanted to treat the inside with a sort of paper mulch, but time did not permit for this treatment so I was at a loss. Finally, after much indecision, I decided that I would use bubble wrap. The bubble wrap's transparency would allow the frame of the piece to be visible while still serving to protect the occupant from the sharp points of the chicken wire frame- like the membrane of the placenta acts in the womb.

indecision returns.

i feel sick to my stomach, i hope it's just from inhaling all of those fumes.
...i am an idiot for not buying a respirator and organic cartridges...


i also have resin all over my sweatshirt sleeve from moving that hunk o junk piece.

and i cant sleep.

RESIN

i have resin in my hair.
ew


but now there is also resin all over my project, and that is a good thing. things are going well with this project i think...

AGH, so hungry its been like 3 hours since i last ate. At this rate i am going to be a fatass in no time. damn.

writing my statement now while the resin dries. and by now i mean....NOW!

driving home

suddenly i feel all this pressure. people keep telling me, "you're unique. you're so different" well i have never felt unique or different, i just felt like me. Now i feel pressure to be this person, every thing i do now leads me to (post-action) question if this is what is expected of this supposed unique person that i supposedly am. it is uncharacteristic of me to worry about this in particular, and i don't like suddenly caring so much what some people think about me.

SNAP OUT OF IT.

i slept horribly, like i had a flashlight pointed in my face all night. It was bright last night-maybe the moon was a harvest moon? i don't know but it was horrible. but not as horrible as waking up at 5 am to her boyfriends cell-phone alarm. THAT was horrible.


I cant believe i let the presence of a creepy, but harmless, guy in the studios keep me from finishing what needed to get done. now i am kind of effed. The paper needs to be dry before i can put the resin on, and i stilll have to paper the bottom-that is like 2 hours to put on and like a few hours to dry. i am going to try to put it on between classes but it is going to be tough. maybe i can enlist help.


EDIT:
i didn't feel our conversation was forced, maybe you are putting to much pressure on the flow and thats why you didn't feel it. i always enjoy talking to you-you didn't complain much at all you talked about your day. i see a difference there. smile today, well i cant really imagine you could go a day without smiling...so i guess i retract that statement.

off to start a hell day.

telling the truth

it felt good to get that off my chest, sitting in traffic telling you about everything.
(i could feel the sting over the line, it pains me even now to be the one to hurt you. your words touched me, thank you for your honesty- i hope you can appreciate the honesty i lent you in return.)

I want this. no more indecision.

do i even really want this?

.always second guessing things.

stagnant water

sometimes i imagine that you are here with me,
breathing in my ears-the sound so soft, so warm.
the slow rhythm of blood pumping to my brain
reminds me that i am alone.

Sometimes i wonder
where are you when you're gone,
where in my mind do you go?

sometimes you are here and i pretend you aren't,
so that i can know, so that it will feel better when you go.

sometimes time stands still.

cloud covers

there are clouds in the sky as i drive home,
cold makes the hair on my arms stand on end.
your scent lingers in my mind,
a dark sea reflected in your curious eyes- an image i can call to mind at an moment.
i lose my mind (sometimes you make me lose my mind too)
sometimes leaving comes too soon.

musicians

As i sat there listening to people bear their souls, or somebody elses soul, tonight at good ole portfolios i thought about musicians.

Why is it that we are all attracted to musicians-talented ones. Is it because we long to be close to their talent, hope that we will b osmosis inherit some of it. Is it that we long to feel the passion that we see on their faces as they sing , their voices reverberating off their playful fingers tap tapping away on table tops and guitar strings? Does it have something to do with our indirect admiration of a talent we ourselves do not possess?

As the cafe clears your voice is the only one i wish i could be hearing, even though i've never heard it sing i am sure i'd like it.


each breathe brings a little heart ache.

i am sorry

i am sorry that it took you until now to realize that you loved me, to realize that i was worth every effort you never made (and all those you did) thank you for this.

"in my memory you resonate,
your timbre, shimmering and warm, reverberates across the walls of my memory,
uniqueness is the root of your beauty,
worthy of only the most delicate touch to caress your soft, soft, cheeks.

your smile, expression, allure, each assigned its own melody,
each voice is independent, yet together create perfect texture,
a pristine definition of harmony, that i may never have chance to replace,
it is more than just a challenge; it is impossible to surpass."-R.S.

eating disorder?

it took me five minutes to make a sandwich and peel the orange, and two minutes to devour them.

i think this may actually be a skill.


....and my dad thinks i have an eating disorder.

pinch

a thousand tiny cuts on my fingers wrists and arms, each burning with their own fiery contempt for myself and my wire cutters, as i bend my way inside of the beginning of something new. As i bleed the structure around me is keeping me safe, however it also is the one thing that is harming my body- it's cold wire shell more telling than one might initially guess.

I rode my bike around campus when i got home, only ate ish like twice...once when i was going really fast and my warped wheel started to wobble and i went to slow down and stop, but ended up kind of falling over...and once when i forgot to take my foot out of the cage when i stopped and just kinda teetered over-would have been funny to see i think.


After a day like today, a past like yesterday, and weeks like those we've passed-I would not mind being called yours. I can only imagine. flow

SUMMARY: little hands have a big hurt. my bike is nice. i am not a cold fish.

that point on every line where buidings kiss the trees

just thinking makes my head swim and my mouth turn into this involuntary goofy grin. what is this feeling again? i once read something that completely embodied this feeling i have right now.
my throat feels so much better, i feel like a new woman..ha i said woman. what a dork. seeing katie made me so happy i missed her to the end, it's like we never skipped a beat though just jumped back in. she totally cares about me, in a way i never had a friend care before, my happiness is actually important. it is really nice. jon looked better than we thought he would, i tried to make him feel better by saying that he looked better than he would have if he had had a firecracker go off in his face, or than he would if he had been hit by a car also. poor kid though, maybe he will wear a helmet though now.

i am so content right now in life. even though i ate WAY too much for dinner and kind of gave myself a tummy ache.

ALSO thankyou scottaroo for helping me locate some bikes and checking them out for me...and telling me that a 48cm bike might be a little small for me...i totally wold have bought it and rode around like a clown in a circus on a baby bike!

*currently listening to a really nice version of that song heart of glass by Nouvelle Vague.*

waking up in this sun bleached room,
the buzzing of a fruit fly reminds me that it is saturday.
closing my eyes i become you,
your wings move a million times per minute
i traverse the air like an expert-
having my knowledge of the room-
and lead you safely to a cracked drawer
where you find the berries i have left for you,
i indulge for your sake-as i usually do,
and lead your tiny body out through the crack,
through the gap between the door and the floor,
out into the hall-
where i leave you to search for another soul.

opening my eyes i reach for another who is absent in my arms,
my lips kiss themselves,
i reach again and cool water goes slowly down my throat,
the act of waking reminding me of the quiet ache that is alone-
now that your tiny body is gone.

backspace

i deleted my earlier post because it was so negative which is not a true reflection of today at all.

sure i spent the first few hours in the student health center to be told i had to wait till friday to get my strep culture results...bull shit man.... luckily i had some antibiotics and started to take them and already feel much better!


so i had a little allison anthony party in my room-they visited my sicky bum. and then anthony and i went and did my art project and indulged in a fourth meal at the local taco bell-quite a good Tbell if i do say so myself. upon return to campus i got the most bomb parking spot and it really did make my day- along with a phone call which turned my attitude around (aka made me get out of bed!)

broken bottle

is it weird to not feel empty, now that i don't love you?
is it weird to say i am happier now, doing as i please even if i don't have the comfort of your body next to mine as i sleep in a tiny little bed?
is it weird to think that although i am sick, i don't want you to bring me soup or kiss me better?
is it weird that i don't feel guilty for every little thing i did wrong.

i am sorry i ignored your call, i just didn't want to feel the pressure of your voice saying my name on the other end of the line.

i don't know if i could handle cutting your hair, caressing our head with my fingers finding the perfect spot to cut, measuring you with my touch. i don't want to touch your head that way anymore. for this i feel guilty- i said friends, but i am not holding up my end of this deal.

i am seeking comfort in the silence of my own bed, having left yours to be occupied by another.

i have this vision of a severed finger, the last nerves and sinews of skin and muscle attempting to stay connected, but the blood has all been washed away and there is no way that the finger will ever work again, no matter how much blood gets pumped into it. the last connections are severed slowly by a doctor skilled with a scalpel. both sides look alright, the portion of the finger now disconnected is placed in a jar and carried away, the attached portion is sewn up and wrapped in gauze to heal. although they say it will heal fine, i am afraid it will end up like easter island once all of the trees were cut down: dwindling population resulting in cannibalism and eroding soil.

misplaced jars

i didn't finish my laundry.
drove down the freeway i watched as the speeding cars passed me by,
i found myself wondering why i had gone that way-
why, with all the time of the day, i had not chosen to take the coast-the longer but more enjoyable route by far.

wondering what it will feel like when the time comes again- will it fill this awkward gap in my mind where all that is left is the dust of skin that you left behind when we kissed goodbye.

all the cars passing by, placeholders of passing time.

waiting on an angel, cause i don't want to go alone.

sleep, i miss you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANDA!

since the start of the semester things are rolling again. i am so anxious to start my cocoon for sculpture, and i already missed a class of art history-oops. the one break i have kind of lends itself to becoming nap time if i am not careful...slept right into art history, but anthony-being the sweet little angel that he is- signed me in.


yesterday we all went to melrose and fairfax to celebrate manda's birthday by getting new kicks and looking at the vinyl toy store. I got a pair of shoes-which is not something i had planned...but they are pretty awesome i thought so i had to buy them...plus they were on sale for like 40 from 100...so that was more incentive.


yeah, it was good. i got all stressed out driving because anthony was relaying directions from manda and i to wes and they kept going the wrong way, it was like the blind leading the blind. but we ended up laughing, so all was good.
nadia got manda a cheesecake...it was so good, we lit a piece on fire and had a balloon fight, very mature. then they all went to the beach, i was tired so i had patrick take me back to my dorm, i ended up going to vashals and watching naked lunch, by watching i mean falling asleep to... and now HOME, you know what they say, home is where the laundry machines are.

tonight is going to be fun.