expectations.

Everyday feels like Sunday, the rush to figure out what I've been putting off for days hitting me every "Saturday" night as I sleep. absolutely maddening. No matter how many 5-6 hour sleeps I get in during the week I am still exhausted.

Yesterday I actually yelled at a neighbor, I went out of my way to do it too. I feel awful, my mind is writing him apology letters  and speeches, but it does not matter. He knew what he was doing when he came over to make me feel guilty for using the washing machine, he had just pegged me as an easy target because I just have the look of, "Oh sure, go before me, I have nothing better to do at all."

It was just one of those days where your insides feel raw and used up. Where every movement feels like an involuntary favor. The kind of day where the only things that sound good are sleeping or going on a bike ride until your face is red and sweaty and you're gasping for air.

I don't want to do anything at all, but the stress of everything is looming over me attached at the hip to the fear of failing. Everyone expecting so much and giving so little, sometimes myself too. I am just sitting here thinking, "what now?" (and not for loss of things to do, but for abundance).































oh shut the hell up and stop complaining. that's life, get used to it. (I just thought it would get so much better eventually)