excerpts from a trip away from home

21-06-09
i am one headache away from exploding and one dream away from comatose, let me dream some more of ideas and future- the intricacies of the spaces in my mind. the dark hidden holes waiting in slumber to be awakened from their dormant, lifeless, eternal state of hibernation.

21-06-09(in treno per Praha)
i keep finding myself caught in the same monotonous thoughts of home-of him. i keep reminding myself of the pointlessness in it, but i cannot seem to quit the wandering of my mind. i love being alone, but i want (need) so badly to be told (reminded) that somebody thinks i am beautiful. the more time passes, the less i see it when i look in the mirror, my reflection. i spend moments in front of it, looking, trying to find it, and yet more often than not i cannot. i still harbor the childish dream of wishing i was beautiful...

23-06-09
NOTHING. my favorite thing to do is nothing. i love to sit and do nothing for hours- not writing, not readng, not drawing, but nothing. just my idle mind and me together in the space of time accomplishing so much through nothing. i used to spend hours with him doing nothing- just sitting so content in our nothingness doing. we didn't feel like we were missing out, because after hours of nothing we would do hours of something. some people call it lazy, but it doesn't feel the same as lazy. i like to go places o do nothing too, like parks and beaches. i hate being places where i feel compelled to constantly go and occupy my time with something- i find it stressful and unfair, this expectation to always be doing something. i feel that i get more out of nothing than i do out of something sometimes. i hope to ind somebody else that i can do nothing with again, because doing nothing can sometimes be just as lonely as doing something. i think that this desire to do nothing is why i do drugs, they give me the perfect excuse to do nothing and say it is something- even nothing can be something.

28-06-09
so often i wonder if you are thinking of me when i am thinking of you. i can still recall the smell of her lotion in the car, always putting it on right before she drove, the smell of her lipstick even- the same smell of all lipstick, but it makes me think of her.i wonder because i never hear from you, do you say you miss me because i miss you? do you love and miss one out of obligation, or do you really?

28-06-09
speechless. warm and sleepy breathes hit the page like dewdrops. tine wet pockmarks on the pages lines- the only words written, only traces left behind.

5-7-09 (high in topanga canyon at a mexican restaurant)
everything-
it is evident to me that every single nice bathroom has had the same distinct smell, it smells expensive. expensive and delightful- a smell that is instantly comforting and relaxing. "Sure, go ahead USE ME! Use me for ALL i am worth! use me while you can!" all of these bathrooms are single cell, private restrooms. this may be the most important factor:privacy.

clothing-
clothing tells a lot about a persons lifestyle- how they are. I've always been drawn to costume or themed clothing. Maybe i am not sure of who i am united, i only am aware of all my divisions- unaware completely of my true self and not just how i desire to be. scary...

08-7-09(after a party)
it hit me like a firecracker. i sat there small and unaware of the lit fuse lying beneath the doorjam. when i saw him through the window, my heart stopped and for a second i didn't want to go in.

8-09-09
i always tell my friends i love them, but it seems a bit premature. how much love is there really?

18-09-09
my social skin is abrupted by tiny abrasions- void of deep cuts that will scar, just small nuances of disturbations( rubs from grains of salt or sand, rough sediment left to gather and be blown off in the wind)

8-10-09
in succession all the tiny events of our lives seem meaningless and benign. However, if one were to take the time to dissect one or two past events, by years or moments, then meaning could be found and the keys to all things present would be deciphered. Time is merely a puzzle that we may never understand, and most will never attempt to...

8-10-09
the realization of friends.
the realization of no friends.
the realization of fake friends.
the realization of gone friends.
the realization of not wanting friends.
the realization of loneliness.
the realization of self.


8-10-09

How to initiate superficial conversations:






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