Have i ever expressed the way that you make me smile, how it feels when i cant hold it inside of myself?
it feels like crying, that burning sensation behind your eyes except that it is in my cheeks and chest. my hands clench and my ears ring.


Have i ever expressed the way i feel when i think about leaving, how it feels to be full of all the tension that the world has to offer my tiny shell? it feels like a balloon in my chest and a snake in my stomach, swimming acidic laps, my mind is pulsating with the blood that my heart keeps moving in that direction. the fear is like a runny nose, or the tickle before a sneeze- a constant tiny aggravation to the membranes of my being.



Have i ever stopped talking and listened.

dear perfection

thinking about sitting at a truck stop sounds wonderful to me, and god speed will always remind me of this time as well. it was real and it was wonderful.perfect.

as we drove away i pulled out my notebook and scribbled down my thoughts.
i reread them yesterday, and i thought to myself how it was odd that i fell for you so fast. that i trusted you so soon after feeling like i could never trust again.
you mean so much to me. i am lucky to have a spirit like yours in my life. you ground me, make me want to be a better person so that i can feel like i deserve the love and kindness that you show me whether i am in your presence or not.

there are no flaws too deep to be covered by the cloak of perfection.

athousandlittlethingsiwanttosaybutdont

there are so many times that i am sitting on the toilet or in the tub or in traffic that i have the most genius ideas.
things i want to do before i leave:

to spend time with my mom
to cook dinner for everyone i love
to laugh with my friends that i have not seen all summer
to go to the beach and feel the power of the water as the waves crash down on me and pull me away with them
to see princess
to be at my sisters and learn to play a new video game
to watch movies and stay in bed all day
to take many many baths in my mothers tub
to ride me bike without being sick
to visit a tidepool and see all the little animals
to learn how to actually use my new complicated camera
to go shopping for cheap light clothes

so many more things, i just cant think of it now

22 days

only 22 days left and i am so damn sick.

i set up skype on my moms computer and i need to go pick up my computer today before getting ANNAAAAAAA...

i probably shouldnt be around that little cutie, but i need the cash. so i will get her today, go to jessicas going away dinner, work tomorrow from 8-2, get anna, and then get my crown on thursday morning, get fitted for contacts, and then watch anna and maddie thursday night, work friday afternoon, spend saturday with momma work that night, work sunday afternoon and then dinner with dad, work monday night and then go camping if i am not still too sick.

i am totally overdoing it. i wish i wasnt home alone and sick, i hate having to take care of myself when i feel like this...i think that is why i got so sick during the semester. oh well.

time is closing in on me.
i do not have too much left to do but pack and get a few last minute details ironed out, but i am still a total mess.
i am totally freaking out, i only have 23 days left in the United States for the next year.
i havent stopped eating since i started feeling this way, a failed attempt to ease my anxious stomach.
oh and i am sick, yay.
i love sore throats and runny noses and headaches.

thoughts and figures

i was sitting there,
twisting your hair around my finger,
and i knew i was going to miss that moment in time, that sensation would be foreign in 25 days.

i could lay in bed all day doing nothing but listening to the sound of your breathing and the rhythm of your voice as it rose and fell deliberatly with every word that your lips parted to tell everyday.




i miss my friends, i miss my school.
this year will be half torture and half a gift.

i am not the type of person who just takes off into the oblivion of the world and hopes it all goes swimmingly. what am i doing?